Ship-timber beetle

Ship-timber beetle

Today’s animal may be a wood-boring beetle, but there’s nothing boring about– Nope. I hate that. Why did I spend days rehearsing that.

ship-timber beetle

I should just scrap this whole monologue. It’s mostly puns.

What I’m talking about is the ship-timber beetle. It loves nothing more than to chew through the wood of a great seafaring vessel. It clears out tunnels in the timber, giving air to fungi it likes to snack on. They’re like great partners, if one partner’s contribution consisted entirely of “being eaten by the other.”[1]

Special powers

It eats ships. And fungi, but anybody can do that. The ships take some doing.


The ship-timber beetle thinks primarily of itself. It loves to eat ships, but almost never asks the ship’s owner first if it’s okay. It should be said this is not entirely out of malice. The hunger for ship timber is a terrible burden, especially in 2013 when ships aren’t often made out of timber. The ship-timber beetle has tried just eating a house, but come on. That’s a termite move.

Number of legs


Notable accomplishments

The ship-timber beetle ate its way through the Niña, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria. This stranded Christopher Columbus and his crew for quite some time, but they were saved by the invention by the Professor of entirely coconut-based ships, which held no interest for the ship-timber beetle.[2]

The ship-timber beetle also won its company bowling tournament three years running.

Notable failures

The ship-timber beetle has tried on multiple occasions to dig into a ship in a bottle and been foiled by the glass every time.

ship in a bottle

It looks delicious, sure. But it’s purely decorative.

Favorite video game


What if it fought a bear?

This would only be a fair fight against a wooden bear.

Is it noble?


Final rating

The ship-timber beetle, once enemy of navies worldwide, has largely been defeated by advances in ship-manufacturing technology. You may wonder why it doesn’t just go straight to the source and eat trees. Well, why don’t you put down that glass of wine and chomp some grapes? That’s what I thought. Don’t ask stupid questions.

Sorry. I’m still grumpy about that crappy opening I wrote myself.







[1]This arrangement was also true of a really bad law firm.

[2]The Niña: Resurrection, the Pintwo, and the Son of Santa Maria

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4 thoughts on “Ship-timber beetle

  1. Charlene Dennis says:

    Eugh, dude, stop with the inane attempts at humor and the “ironic” pop-culture references already. Your sense of humor is like something out of some cheesy 80s kids’ tv show featuring puppets and guys in wacky green tuxedos, a show that no kid actually liked watching but they did anyway because the moments that had cartoon clips weren’t bad and because they liked the show that came afterwards.

    • nscranor says:

      good point

      • Sam says:

        Counterpoint, don’t stop. Continue until you have an article for every creature, and then weep like Alexander when you find there are no animals left to rate. Sure, science will try to create new animals to feed the need for more, but the bipolar bear and the threecan will be but empty facsimiles of life.

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