How is it that we have so many fish and so few of them clean the world around them? Most fish only make things dirtier. I’m inventor James Dyson, and this problem has kept me up for countless sleepless nights.

A man and his fan

Dirty fish have ruined me.

It is insane to me the number of indignities humanity is seemingly willing to endure. We go through life with our four-wheeled vacuum cleaners and external-bladed fans as if nothing is deeply, fundamentally wrong with this joke of a life we lead.

I say it is insane to me, but really it’s the other way around. Because my fellow man thinks so little of the disastrous eons hand dryers take to do their job, I began to feel that it was I who was insane for noticing. I foreswore human contact for months at a time to develop solutions to these tragedies. And yet a problem remained in the world. How long, I asked myself between sobs, must aquariums suffer with algae and mucus?

Fortunately there is an answer. There are many names for what I’m referring to: sucker fish, janitor fish, algae eater, pleco.

pleco on the walls

Welcome to the future.

At the end of the day, though, it remains but one fish – and one fish that this vaguely Timm Gunn-sounding Britishman didn’t have to invent himself.[1]

Special powers

The pleco devours aquarium detritus through its specialized sucker mouth. It is an elegant design.


Not as elegant as a sphere or a fan that is just a perfect loop, but elegant just the same.

Number of legs

Legs are a pitiful and inefficient method of ambulation. I despise myself for this flawed form in which I am trapped.

What if it fought a bear?

I am working day and night to develop a bear that doesn’t have the clear design problems of the current unwieldy bear – one that will harness the power of the principle of cyclonic separation.

Is it noble?


Final rating

Why does society concern itself with such meaningless frivolities? War in the Middle East? What about all the wet hands in the Middle East which need drying? Who will speak for them? Oil spills? How about soil spills? How will you get that out of your most precious afghan? Death in the family? A dead body need not concern itself with further deterioration. If only dirt-ravaged family heirlooms felt so safe.

The pleco is the only animal I, James Dyson, can endorse with my genius, because the pleco is the only beast in God’s disgusting flawed creation which doesn’t lose suction. Oh, would that all animals contributed to the cleansing of this horrible world. It is a consummation devoutly to be wished.







[1]Being me is a horrible burden.

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One thought on “Pleco

  1. […] Sucker catfish, the ugliest and most gullible of all catfish. […]

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