In the course of our adventures here at Rate Every Animal, we’ve already met the happiest animal in the world, but today’s animal may be the most woebegone. I speak of the wobbegong.

ornate wobbegong

There it is.

What is the wobbegong, besides a bummer? It is a carpet shark, so named for being the type of shark people are most likely to walk all over – and in the case of the wobbegong, boy do they.

Special powers

Now, don’t get it twisted. The wobbegong is very pathetic amongst sharks and other high-status fish. But when it comes to prey animals, the wobbegong will still strike suddenly and powerfully from the seafloor. Its ambush skills extend even socially, as the wobbegong will corner other sea creatures in terrible conversations before they even realize the wobbegong is there.


Talking to it is so depressing. Everyone stopped inviting it to parties long ago, but guess what, that spot rug is actually a shark who wants to tell you about its chronic acne. The buzzkill is already inside the house. And it has poor eyesight.

Number of legs


Drink of choice

A plastic bone just teeming with pineapple juice and grenadine.

Do I own a Beanie Baby of it?

I kinda wish I did. But I don’t.

Things the wobbegong has bumped into

The wobbegong, since it is bad at seeing, finds itself bumping into many things in its day-to-day on the ocean floor. A mere sampling of these things includes:

  • rocks
  • coral
  • shipwrecks
  • boots
  • half-open cans
  • anchors
  • other wobbegongs
  • wobbly gongs
  • wombat bombs
  • glommed bongos
  • gumbo bongs
  • Blomkamp wands
  • a human skull
  • its own reflection in a mirror

What if it fought a bear?

The wobbegong would never have enough energy to put up a sustained fight against a bear. It gets in one good bite, then just hangs on and moans pathetically through the ensuing defeat.

Is it noble?


Final rating

I never thought I’d call a shark a loser. But that was before I knew sharks could be big mopey bearded rugs.


The wobbegong puts the “sack” in “sadsack.” By which I mean it looks like a big empty sack.



Tagged , , , , ,