Tasmanian devil

Tasmanian devil

When you hear the name of today’s animal, you may think it is just a fictional cartoon invented by the Warner Brothers for profit[1], like Elmer Fudd or Johnny Depp. But no, unlike them, the Tasmanian devil is real.

Satan Is Real

Shenanigans.

And that’s the other misconception right there. The Tasmanian devil is not, strictly speaking, a devil. Does it receive a small commission for souls it has led to a certain circle of the underworld by its temptations? Yes. But it is simply a contractor for the actual demonic administration. The Tasmanian devil’s primary income still comes from its job hosting a travel show.

Special powers

The Tasmanian devil is undiscriminating in its consumption. It eats everything meat or meat-adjacent it can get its jaws around. That includes bones, fur, and any scarves or smart phones the deceased may have had on its person[2], up to forty percent of its own body weight in one sitting – forty-five if it’s Thanksgiving. All this makes the Tasmanian devil an unstoppable force in eating contests.

What fat the Tasmanian devil doesn’t work off just generally going nutso in its day-to-day is stored in its tail, leaving the Tasmanian devil’s torso as camera-ready as ever. It saves a ton on clothes never having to change sizes.

it can't drive

It bought that sweater in the first Bush administration.

Weaknesses

The Tasmanian devil was hunted nearly to extinction by farmers who blamed it for killing livestock. The accusations were false, and the Tasmanian devil dedicated itself to finding the real killer (OJ Simpson). In 1941 the local government made the devil a protected species, but poor wording meant this law protected all devils. And that is why Australia is home to more hellbeasts than any locale on Earth.[3]

It should also be noted that it’s got a chubby tail.

Number of legs

Four.

Professions

As mentioned above, the Tasmanian devil passes its time with contract work for Hell and its travel-themed cable program. In this show, the Tasmanian devil goes around the globe to try various small restaurants and devour anything vaguely food-like put in front of it. It has visited hundreds of eateries over the show’s three seasons of production.[4] Some of the Tasmanian devil’s favorites were:

  • Rosa’s
  • Alice’s Restaurant
  • Marconio’s
  • sqüeeze
  • Big Todd’s Belly Hut
  • Pork Squad
  • Panda Dragon Cuisine
  • A Taste of Ottawa
  • Alice’s Kitchen
  • El Esqueleto
  • The Sloppy Beagle
  • The Spangly Dowager
  • The Dourest Charlatan
  • Sportz ‘n’ Spoonz Bar & Grill
  • Dee Snyder Presents Back Seat
  • Alice’s Diner
  • Seattle Fish Market of P’yongyang
  • Crunch! Artisan Pretzel Donuts
  • Mucho Gusto
  • Cookies Cookies Cookies
  • The Sizzla in Manila
  • GD Ritzy’s
  • Gruntle House
  • Untitled (a hot dog cart in Stockholm)
  • Pizza Dojo
  • KFC Chang’s
  • Alice’s Foodtruck
  • Chilly’s (a Chili’s that lost its license)
  • The People’s Demilitarized Pancake Zone
  • Waffle Trough
  • Donny’s Buckets
  • You Catch ‘Em, We Fry ‘Em
  • Wattay International Airport Shake Shack
  • A Midsummer Night’s Tenderloin
  • Donair Shed
  • Stouffer’s LIVE!
  • State Route 37 (a road where the Tasmanian devil found some roadkill it really enjoyed)

Upsetting Wikipedia quote

“Devils are not monogamous, and their reproductive process is very robust and competitive.”

bow chikka etc

Think about that while you’re in bed tonight.

Favorite video game

Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2.

What if it fought a bear?

As much as the Tasmanian devil would relish the challenge of eating an entire dead bear, it would be quickly ended by a live one.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

Just because you’re not a devil doesn’t make working for devils any more admirable – even part-time work. It runs a fun show, though.

 

 

6/10

 

 

 

 

 

[1]And to defeat the Monstars.

[2]Metaphorical person. It’s usually an animal.

[3]The top three is rounded out by that giant sinkhole in Guatemala and Detroit.

[4]Ignoring the unaired pilot where the Tasmanian devil’s role was filled by Craig Kilborn.

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