Fruit fly

Fruit fly

I'm Morley Safer

TICKTICKTICKTICKTICKTICKTICKTICK

And now, a few minutes with the friendly ghost of Andy Rooney.

Andy Rooney, 60 Minutes

I’ve been asked to review an animal called the fruit fly. It’s also sometimes called the vinegar fly. I’m no chef, but I don’t think fruit and vinegar are interchangeable. Maybe Rachael Ray could explain that. At any rate, it certainly does like fruit. I visited a friend’s house and the peach tree in their backyard was surrounded by fruit flies.

It makes me wonder why we don’t have other kinds of flies for other kinds of food. I’d rather be a lasagna fly or an ice cream sundae fly, myself. I suppose it wouldn’t be as healthy, but I wouldn’t live long anyway.

Special powers

fruit eye

The fruit fly has complex, red eyes.

I don’t know why they need such complicated eyes. I had the same simple eyes all my life and I think I saw just fine. Maybe the fruit fly sees something I don’t know about. After all, I was never able to see the spirit world when I was alive.

Weaknesses

Speaking of alive, the fruit fly doesn’t live very long. Nowadays, I’m aware of the dense sheets of fruit fly ghosts people walk through and breathe in every day. I wonder how many fruit fly generations lived and died in the course of my life. Which reminds me, why are Heaven’s gates made of pearl? It seems like an arbitrary choice. The streets are made of gold here, which looks mighty impressive, but I don’t know what was wrong with concrete.

Number of legs

The fruit fly has six legs. And I thought I hated buying shoes. Why are feet the only thing we feel the need to measure in some kind of steel clamp? I can tell you now if Men’s Wearhouse used that technology for their fitting sessions, I wouldn’t be wearing the suit you see me in today.

Sexual desires

According to National Geographic News, as summarized by Wikipedia, “The female fruit fly prefers a shorter duration when it comes to sex. Males, on the other hand, prefer it to last longer.” You can judge for yourself if that matches up with your experience.

What if it fought a bear?

I don’t know what would happen if a fruit fly fought a bear, but I know that when I tried it my family was too distraught to admit my actual cause of death.

Is it noble?

I don’t understand the question.

Final rating

Scientists like to study the fruit fly because of some surprising similarities to humans, including what diseases it can get. When the world feels so divided, there’s something oddly comforting knowing that even someone as different as a fruit fly can have something in common with me.

But I don’t like sharing my peaches. That’s what led to the situation with the bear.

 

 

5.5/10

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,