At first glance, one might guess that the babirusa is just another mutant pig. Its fun-to-say name means “pig-deer,” in reference to its obvious pig nature and its four prominent tusks, which reminded people of deer antlers.
It is not just another mutant pig, despite appearances. Nor was it invented by the effects wizards of Weta Workshop for Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings trilogy, despite appearances. The babirusa is its own bona fide species.
The babirusa’s upper tusks are used for defense – to shield its face from damage. Its lower tusks are kept sharp for offense. A third set of tusks are rumored to exist for special teams, but no one has ever provided hard evidence of them.
It is an absolute wiz at an abacus. Unfortunately for the babirusa, in today’s modern age, this is one of the least marketable skills possible to have. The babirusa is convinced the abacus will come back as “retro-cool” in 2014. Though I’m loathe to admit it, that actually sounds pretty plausible.
This is kind of a big one. The babirusa’s tusks, if not worn down, will grow to pierce its own skull.
Why is this? What do the babirusa’s own tusks have against it that they will by default attempt to murder it? Did the babirusa have its upper tusks surgically transplanted from a serial killer? The babirusa denies this, but offers no explanation of its own.
Number of legs
Judgmental Wikipedia quote
“The female babirusa has only one pair of teats.”
Let’s see you do better, Wikipedia.
The babirusa accesses the internet through the kid zone using AOL keywords “DIGIMON” or “CRISPIX.”
Favorite video game
What if it fought a bear?
Two tusks to defend, two tusks to stab that bear.
Is it noble?
The babirusa has many of the qualities of a pig, and what it lacks in tech-savvy, it more than makes up for in tusks. Just make sure you wear those bad boys down, babirusa. You’ll look like a real chump with your own tusk in your head.