Much as the roomba lives on our land floors, the wolffish lives on the ocean floor. It is, however, much less cleanly.


“Mommmm, it’s just going to get messy again anyway.”

So what does it do all day instead of tidying up? Mostly, the wolffish spends its time hanging out amongst sea rocks and waiting for a chance to devour another living creature.

Photo by Jonathan Bird

Like this!

Special powers

It’s cold down there on the bottom of the ocean. Luckily for the wolffish, it produces its own antifreeze to keep itself (more specifically, its blood) going in frigid waters. We all think this is amazing, of course, but did you know that the wolffish also secretes natural wiper fluid? It’s less helpful, since it has neither wipers nor a windshield.

Furthermore, it has like hecka crazy teeth for a fish.


Going to the dentist. This isn’t an uncommon weakness, especially since Marathon Man came out.[1] What’s more notable about the wolffish’s relationship with the dentist is that the dislike is mutual. Medical degree or no, ain’t nobody wanna put their hand in that grill.

Number of legs


Exact quote of what I said upon seeing the picture below

“Whaaaaat they’re that biiiig I thought they were smaall nooooooo no no no nooooo”

big wolffish with a human friend

I said this out loud while alone.

Known aliases

The wolffish has many names. It has also gone by the following:

  • ocean catfish: This term serves to distinguish it from the land catfish.
  • seacat: A particularly drunk sailor who’d never actually seen a cat and was only pretending to know what they were to fit in gave the wolffish this name.
  • seawolf: The wolffish started this band in 2003.
  • lobo: A translation mishap.
  • ocean whitefish: The Ku Klux Klan tried to make the wolffish their spirit animal. It was uninterested.
  • rock salmon: Because of its band, the wolffish was given this name. Arguably, indie folk salmon might be more accurate.
  • Scotch halibut: For a time, the wolffish took on a second identity as a professorial halibut and drinker of fine whiskies.
  • woof: This one is a drug euphemism. I don’t know how it got here.
  • Scarborough woof: See above, but even danker.
  • rock turbot: This is a name the wolffish gave itself as a youth in a short story it wrote about itself becoming a cyberpunk detective in the year 2220.
  • steinbítur: The people of Iceland know the wolffish by this name, which means “stone biter.” But it only did that one time.

Is it kosher?


What if it fought a bear?

Jacked up teeth alone don’t win fights. You need the killer instinct to really use them, and that’s where the bear finds its advantage.

Is it noble?


Final rating

If it weren’t for the wolffish’s dietary predilections, we might very well become overrun with sea urchins. We should all be grateful to this ugly creature that every time we open our closets, they don’t pour out a wave of sea urchins with a young Mary Tyler Moore surfing along. The Mary Tyler Moore part would be all right, but it isn’t worth it to be beset on all sides by urchins.

But beyond that public service, the wolffish is something of an idle creature with a jacked up grill.






[1]Honestly, airing it on a loop in the waiting room seems like a bad idea, right? It’s not just my dentist that’s doing that, right?

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