Hula painted frog

Hula painted frog

There isn’t always big animal news, but when there is, I’m obligated to weigh in so you know exactly how many burritos I ate while I was chasing the leads to get only the freshest journalistic insight.[1]

Well, this week there’s some real three-burrito level news: The Hula painted frog is back from the dead.

Hula painted frog

I know this is emotional. Please, take this time to collect yourselves.

Until its miraculous resurrection, the Hula painted frog was last seen alive in the 1950s. This amazing creature did what few have done before: it escaped the underworld to return triumphant to the land of the living. It’s like the Lazarus of amphibians, and not just because they’re both from the greater Israel area.

Special powers

Besides being able to break the chains of Hell itself? It hops pretty good.

Weaknesses

It is very shy. It went to exactly one dance in high school, and spent the entire time standing by the punch bowl.

Having been dead for nearly sixty years, the Hula painted frog has missed out on decades of cultural reference points. It thought The Beatles were something it could eat. It hasn’t seen a single Fast & Furious movie. It was recently booked for an appearance on the Tonight Show and expressed excitement at meeting Steve Allen.

jay leno

Ohhh, Hula painted frog. Oh no.

Number of legs

Four.

Celebrity encounters

Because of the unique circumstances of its life/death, the Hula painted frog knows better than most exactly who is suffering eternal punishment. Sure, you could correctly guess that it met Attila the Hun if you want to go obvious. But while most know that Oops! All Berries lead to a dishonorable discharge for Captain Crunch, fewer know that he was also sent to Hades for his hubris.

While there, the Hula painted frog even became part of a weekly card game with Lucky Luciano, the triceratops, a guy who parked his car across four different spots, and Vanna Black, the sinister doppelganger who co-hosts Wheel of Poverty.[2]

What if it fought a bear?

The crucial difference is that the bear is still, ultimately, afraid to die. And that is why it fails.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The Hula painted frog is still catching up on our newfangled “interstate highway system” and “actually choosing to eat pine nuts.” That will come with time. Even now, though, isn’t this an impressive enough comeback?

 

9.5/10

 

 

[1]In this case, three.

[2]I know; I thought that title was a missed opportunity too.

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