In terms of beetles, the jewel beetle is in the top percentile of shininess. It’s up there among all animals, really. I mean, let’s be real. This blog isn’t just a professional concern for me; I do it for love of the animal-rating game. But part of that game is being objective and admitting that animals, in general, could be a lot shinier.
The jewel beetle has never broken a single chip while dipping. It’s not a fluke. The jewel beetle loves chips and dip as much as anybody – more than most, even. It is just preternaturally good at dipping.
It can detect forest fires from miles away, and rushes to them – not to help, but because it is a sicko that gets its rocks off while the world burns.
Speaking of which, natural disaster isn’t the only fetish the jewel beetle has. Take, for example, the fact that the jewel beetle died off in notable numbers trying to become intimate with beer bottles. This is the same lack of restraint that led the jewel beetle to accrue vast amounts of debt buying crops and weird swings.
Number of legs
Given the things it’s into, you don’t wanna know. That said, I know for a fact, it has lied numerous times to the Miller Lite website about its age.
Favorite video game
Anything playable only at certain Japanese urinals.
What if it fought a bear?
When the bear sees the jewel beetle’s gleaming carapace, all it sees is a clearer target.
Is it noble?
The jewel beetle is gross. Not just because it’s into freaky stuff, but because it has no concern for others in its pursuit of getting said freak on. Animals can die in fires, jewel beetle, you insensitive monster. Congrats on the carapace, though. Super shiny.