Jewel beetle

Jewel beetle

In terms of beetles, the jewel beetle is in the top percentile of shininess. It’s up there among all animals, really. I mean, let’s be real. This blog isn’t just a professional concern for me; I do it for love of the animal-rating game. But part of that game is being objective and admitting that animals, in general, could be a lot shinier.

jewel beetle

Not that everybody has to be this shiny. That would be excessive.

Special powers

The jewel beetle has never broken a single chip while dipping. It’s not a fluke. The jewel beetle loves chips and dip as much as anybody – more than most, even. It is just preternaturally good at dipping.

It can detect forest fires from miles away, and rushes to them – not to help, but because it is a sicko that gets its rocks off while the world burns.


Speaking of which, natural disaster isn’t the only fetish the jewel beetle has. Take, for example, the fact that the jewel beetle died off in notable numbers trying to become intimate with beer bottles. This is the same lack of restraint that led the jewel beetle to accrue vast amounts of debt buying crops and weird swings.

jewel beetle

Total pervazoid.

Number of legs


Online presence

Given the things it’s into, you don’t wanna know. That said, I know for a fact, it has lied numerous times to the Miller Lite website about its age.

Favorite video game

Anything playable only at certain Japanese urinals.

What if it fought a bear?

When the bear sees the jewel beetle’s gleaming carapace, all it sees is a clearer target.

Is it noble?


Final rating

The jewel beetle is gross. Not just because it’s into freaky stuff, but because it has no concern for others in its pursuit of getting said freak on. Animals can die in fires, jewel beetle, you insensitive monster. Congrats on the carapace, though. Super shiny.




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2 thoughts on “Jewel beetle

  1. Sam says:

    The jewel beetle has the distinction of being one of the first beetles to have a singer-songwriter named after it. Of course now any beetle can pay an nominal fee for that honor.

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