Picture a jaguarundi. Now imagine something similar, but twice the size. What is this creature? It’s a mega-jaguarundi. But if you multiply the mega-jaguarundi by nearly five factors, now you have the cougar.
The cougar is a big cat, so it does big cat stuff. I’m talking claws, speed, strength, agility. Its main power, however, is political. Each term, the vice president of the United States of America selects a cougar.
The vice president’s pet cougar is not, contrary to popular belief, mentioned at all in the Constitution. It’s merely a tradition started by John Adams, our first and – for now – last Federalist vice president. He wrote that “As the lion is the king of the African jungle, so the puma is the vice president of the American forest. I can think of no more fitting beast to have at my side.”
It’s all very similar to how presidential term limits of eight years were started unofficially by George Washington, our first and – for now – last cyborg president. This caused one angry Bostonian essayist to write that at that rate of change and the life expectancy of the time, “a man could live through THREE different prefidents! Fuch upheaval if unheard of. Fincerely, Fiffy Fpacek.”
Some of the cougar’s fancier powers were stolen by the loathsome thief Pumaman in a bid to become a superhero.
Not living up to its full potential is not the cougar’s only weakness. There’s also its disastrous, scandal-tainted run as the mayor of Cougar Town. To this day the Cougar Town city council is distrustful of felines.
Number of legs
The cougar goes by many names. These include, among others:
- the puma
- the mountain lion
- the panther
- the ghost cat
- the catamount
- Doc Giggles
What if it fought a bear?
The bear has an immediate advantage in that it long ago got its powers back from Major Ursa the Human Bear.
Is it noble?
Look, I like big cats. The patriotic part of me likes that America has one. Still, I must be honest and unbiased. The cougar abandoned its child the jaguarundi, and it really set the Cougar Town economy back a few years. “Ghost cat” is kind of cool though.
Adams also liked how silly it made Ben Franklin and his turkey look.
I know. It’s a coincidence.
Check Tales of the Remarkable #61, true believers! –Smilin’ Stan