Cougar

Cougar

Picture a jaguarundi. Now imagine something similar, but twice the size. What is this creature? It’s a mega-jaguarundi. But if you multiply the mega-jaguarundi by nearly five factors, now you have the cougar.

Special powers

The cougar is a big cat, so it does big cat stuff. I’m talking claws, speed, strength, agility. Its main power, however, is political. Each term, the vice president of the United States of America selects a cougar.

vice presidential cougar

Harry Truman’s cougar, Hairy S Puman.

The vice president’s pet cougar is not, contrary to popular belief, mentioned at all in the Constitution. It’s merely a tradition started by John Adams, our first and – for now – last Federalist vice president. He wrote that “As the lion is the king of the African jungle, so the puma is the vice president of the American forest. I can think of no more fitting beast to have at my side.”[1]

It’s all very similar to how presidential term limits of eight years were started unofficially by George Washington, our first and – for now – last cyborg president. This caused one angry Bostonian essayist to write that at that rate of change and the life expectancy of the time, “a man could live through THREE different prefidents! Fuch upheaval if unheard of. Fincerely, Fiffy Fpacek.[2]”

Weaknesses

Some of the cougar’s fancier powers were stolen by the loathsome thief Pumaman in a bid to become a superhero.

Puma Man

This is the face of a bandit.

Not living up to its full potential is not the cougar’s only weakness. There’s also its disastrous, scandal-tainted run as the mayor of Cougar Town. To this day the Cougar Town city council is distrustful of felines.

Number of legs

Four.

Known aliases

The cougar goes by many names. These include, among others:

  • the puma
  • the mountain lion
  • the panther
  • the ghost cat
  • the catamount
  • Catmandu
  • Doc Giggles
  • Maurice
  • Countrykitty1138

What if it fought a bear?

The bear has an immediate advantage in that it long ago got its powers back from Major Ursa the Human Bear.[3]

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

Look, I like big cats. The patriotic part of me likes that America has one. Still, I must be honest and unbiased. The cougar abandoned its child the jaguarundi, and it really set the Cougar Town economy back a few years. “Ghost cat” is kind of cool though.

 

6/10

 

 

 

[1]Adams also liked how silly it made Ben Franklin and his turkey look.

[2]I know. It’s a coincidence.

[3]Check Tales of the Remarkable #61, true believers! –Smilin’ Stan

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2 thoughts on “Cougar

  1. Sam says:

    The rigorous research and fact checking that goes into these articles is what sets this site above the crowd sourced rating sites that are so in vogue at the moment, like Animal Yelp!

  2. […] jaguarundi is the otter-cat, in that it is the illegitimate love-child of the otter and the cougar. It lives primarily in South America, but has also been known to make trips into the nation-state […]

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