Gooooood evening and welcome to Debate Every Animal! We’re taking the hottest animals of the week; we’re chewing ’em up and we’re spitting ’em out in your face! Pow!

[Insert aggressive title graphic here. See if the FOX robot is available.]

Here on the panel today with me are Chip Dipson.

CD: Hi Nathan. I’m beside myself with rage.

NC: And Dip Dobson. Dip?

DD: Thanks for havin’ me, fellas. I just wanna say my blood pressure is higher than the Andes. It’s the silent killer, Nathan!

NC: Ha ha, that it is, Dip. That it is. All right, enough jaw-chaw. Let’s get to Mazda First Shots.(TM)

[Another loud title graphic. Gunshot sound effects are heard, along with faint screaming.]

NC: Fish! Can’t live with ’em, cannot microwave ’em without a smell! Never truer than of the salmon, who has been making waves[1] lately in the animal world. But is it a winner? Or a worthless piece of crap? Chip, what’s your Mazda First Shot(TM)?

CD: I mean, look, what can I say?

NC: Your opinion, in the form of things that aren’t swear words.

CD: Okay, thanks. I was wondering. I’m a skeptic on the salmon. There are thirty fish I would pick before I even need to consider the salmon.

DD: Are you serious right now?!

CD: Angelfish. Tilapia. Narwhal. Hogfish. Literally any shark. And I’m biased, but my bro the devil fish. It’s like the old truism: There are plenty of fish in the sea.

DD: Truism? More like false-ism. The hogfish hasn’t been relevant in years. And besides that, the narwhal isn’t even a fish.

CD: Alright, let’s not split hairs.

NC: Please don’t talk about hares; need I remind you this is a conversation about fish. Dip, your response?

Special powers

DD: The salmon is at the top of its game right now, and I’d put it up against the tilapia or devil fish any day. I’m not sayin’ it’s gonna come out on top every time, but 50% of the time. Chip, not one of those animals you listed makes an incredible journey home to spawn. The angelfish hardly strays from its reef. Where are the homing abilities? Where are the pure athletic jumps up waterfalls?

keep going, salmon

CD: We can talk all we want about athleticism and jumps, and I’m just gonna ignore for a second that the salmon is no dolphin when it comes to those.

DD: Oh, as if that’s a fair comparison.

CD: You brought it up!

DD: I’ll take second place.

CD: Yeah, you will, in this debate.


CD: What’s happening as the salmon is doing all that jumping? The bear is getting its mouth positioned right in its target path!

NC: Please, Chip. We have a separate segment for bear-related inquiries.

CD: I’m sorry, Nathan, but I am riled up; I am roided up; and I am peeved out!

Number of legs

NC: Let’s go around the table for some quick predictions. How many legs does the salmon have at the end of the season?

DD: Four.

CD: Zero.

DD: Are you kiddin’ me?

CD: I don’t think it’s got it in it, Dip.

DD: You’re a hater. There’s no reasoning with you, you slobbering moron.

CD: We’ll see, you slack-jawed dirtmonkey.


NC: Okay, setting aside the larger debate and getting micro. We got a lotta different kinds of salmon competing out there. Atlantic, Chinook, Chum, Pink, Sockeye, Steelhead, Balsaface, Lampbutt, Danube, Silver… Who’s your pick?

DD: You know, the Danube’s got the size advantage being the largest, but I think what it comes down to is passion. And when you want passion, you want the humpy.[2] I think the Pink Salmon’s gonna surprise a lot of people.

CD: I’m not gonna shock anybody here, but if I have to go with a salmon, I’m gonna go with the Chinook or King Salmon. Right?

DD: I’m not gonna say anything bad about that choice.

CD: I’ve gotta give it props. It’s a solid ruler and it has a good head on its shoulders.[3]

Elite status

NC: The salmon is one of the most famous fish active today. It has been served on millions of dinner plates. But is it an elite fish, a phrase which holds zero meaning and has been invented for the purposes of this discussion?

CD: I think we know where I fall on this. The salmon doesn’t have the hunting prowess or the beauty of the elite fish. It’s B-list material.

DD: Have you forgotten about the Salmon of Knowledge, you whimpering scum-slurper? This thing had all the collective wisdom of the universe.

CD: Yeah, yeah, we all know about the Salmon of Knowledge, you nutless twit. But it gained the wisdom of ancient times, when they thought meat was made of flies and nothing made you sicker than your own blood and whatnot.

salmon of knowledge

The ancients: Idiots?

What if it fought a bear?

CD: Look, the bear eats salmon every friggin’ day. The salmon jumps right in there, in the most misguided possible kamikaze attempt. Until the salmon finally remembers to strap a bomb to itself before it tries this little tactical gambit, the bear’s just gonna keep racking up the kills.

Salmon jumps into bear mouth

DD: I can’t disagree with ya, Chip, you filthy junk-jockey.

CD: Finally!

DD: Jumping directly into the mouth of your predator is a boneheaded, rookie move, and it’s an old habit the salmon needs to break – and soon.

Is it noble?

DD: Yes.

CD: Not a chance.

Final rating

NC: Gentlemen, it’s that time. What is your Geico “Oy it’s a lizard innit” Final Rating?

CD: 6/10.

DD: 8/10.

NC: I’m going 7/10. We’ll see you next week, when we’re not doing this dumb bit.





[1]Splash sound effect.

[2]Also known as the pink salmon.

[3]Do fish have shoulders? Check in next week for High Life Corrections and Regrets sponsored by Miller High Life.

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4 thoughts on “Salmon

  1. Sam says:

    Could you do a feature on the Cicada so I’ll know what to expect when they show up this spring?

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