You know how aliens are always abducting the cow? Did that ever make sense to you?

The cow returned to its homeworld.

Doesn’t seem right.

If not, there’s a good reason for that. The reason is aliens don’t abduct cows. Cows are aliens.[1] What we think to be abductions are just the cow returning to its homeworld. What we think to be UFOs are really IFSPBBs (Identified Flying Spaceships Piloted By Bovines). I mean, the cow is considered holy in India and a number of other places. What seems more likely – that the cow proved worthy of divinity on its own cud-chewing merits or that it appeared to descend from the heavens? Exactly.

Special powers

Besides descending from the heavens and traveling the far reaches of space, the cow has more literally down-to-earth powers. For example, tasting absolutely delicious.


Meat Every Animal

It’s not just its seared flesh that’s so tasty, however! The cow can also provide sustenance without even dying first, by way of milk. This liquid is so precious – pure or made into various dairy products – that countless cow wars continue to be fought in our world’s most milk-rich regions. Ask your grocer about conflict-free mozzarella.

It can sleep standing up (see Weaknesses). The males have horns. Sometimes, they’re long horns. We call such creatures “shortfaces.”[2]


A bit of a hipster, the cow stands around in the middle of flat fields in cold wind, sleeps standing up, and re-chews food it liked better the first time – all “ironically.”

Furthermore, the cow is a very poor conversationalist. It mostly just stares blankly at you.

There’s also a recurring problem of the cow going utterly insane. It’s not uncommon for a mortal considered to be sacred to go mad with power. It’s just like the old saying: Power corrupts; absolute power corrupts absolutely; girl power corrupts girlishly; you can’t go over water unless you’ve got power.

Number of legs


Place of origin

If the cow does not come from Earth, then where does it come from? The answer is not as easy as it might initially seem, because it turns out space is really really big. I don’t know if you knew that, but it was a real shock to me in my research. There are literally hundreds of planets out there and at least as many stars. Each world is named after a Roman god, like Saturn, Mercury, Audi, Volvo, or Studebaker. Not Pluto, though. Neil deGrassi Tyson, Canadian teen scientist, blew the lid off that whole hoax. Pluto never existed.

Pluto is lies.

A fabrication.

Anyway, the cow is from a planet that does exist: Buick. Little is known about its homeworld, and good luck getting the cow to say anything about it (see Weaknesses).

What if it fought a bear?

The cow, with the assistance of Mrs. O’Leary, started the Chicago Fire. The bear can’t do a dang thing about a fire without my help.

Is it noble?

It is unknowable.

Final rating

Tasty in the end, but a bit of a bore leading up to that. Even its whole “mad god” routine isn’t as entertaining as it could be.






[1]Today’s post adapted from a doodle by M. Night Shyamalan.

[2]Their faces aren’t even that short, but in terms of proportions, you know?

Tagged , , , ,

One thought on “Cow

  1. […] [1]“Visit the chain restaurant Logan’s Roadhouse to purchase and consume T-bone steaks” […]

Comments are closed.