Blue whale

Blue whale

Do you hear that sound? That beautiful sound? It’s the beautiful sound of the largest creature in the world, the blue whale. There are few animals who can equal the blue whale’s musical talents.

blue whale

Do NOT follow this animal at karaoke.

Unlike most underwater music, the blue whale’s songs have been appreciated far and wide.[1] It could make its bed out of platinum records. And let me tell you, its bed is huge. And comfortable, because it’s not actually made of platinum records. It keeps those in a trophy case.

Special powers

Its singing ability, obviously. Its ear for production and songwriting (an ear which it keeps inside rather than protruding ridiculously like most mammals).

Weaknesses

Mostly just gluten, according to it anyway.

Number of legs

N/A

Notable accomplishments

The blue whale’s long career has been incredibly varied. Beyond its accomplished solo career, the blue whale has fronted a handful of bands and served as producer for numerous diverse artists. It was a little embarrassed to be in Band Aid, but it was for a good cause and all, so it doesn’t want to look like a jerk.

When they performed their world-changing set at Woodstock, the blue whale filled in for a missing member of Sha Na Na.

The blue whale’s cover of Batdance set the records for most Grammys received and best record ever listened to.

Its long feud with Pitbull was the underlying subtext of Billy Joel’s diss song The Entertainer, which the blue whale produced.[2]

When country guy Scott Allenson could not fulfill his duties on a live episode of The Voice, the blue whale scatted notes for a national audience until Cee-lo could revive his fellow judge. It was the highest rated episode ever.

The blue whale is the only friend the being designated Buckethead has ever known.

Michael Jackson‘s trademark “shee-hee!” laugh is a flair he first heard the blue whale use. He bought the rights to the giggle from it for a secret price rumored to be around $900,000 (adjusted for inflation).

Wikipedia’s Talk Page Says

“Whales eat fruits and veggies. Digging is the ultimate experience.”

Wikipedia’s Talk Page Also Says

“hahaha this whale is huge and ugly and funky doodle digging is the ultimate experience…lol…”

What if it fought a bear?

Two words: Body slam. Game over.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

Well, it is huge and ugly and a total funky doodle. But it’s an immensely talented funky doodle. And any enemy of Pitbull is a friend of this blog.

Pitbull, stop it.

He knows what he did.

 

9.5/10

 

 

 

[1]Of course, some biased sources will tell you that everything’s better where it is wetter, but anyone who’s tried to eat potato chips at the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico will tell you that’s wrong.

 

[2]Notice lyrics such as “So they cut it down to 305,” a clear reference to “Mr. 305” himself. The song also mentions Pitbull’s practice of performing with his hands deep in his trousers and his gimmicky all-palace tour.

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One thought on “Blue whale

  1. […] always, the blue whale is a heavy[1] favorite in all the music categories. It should win all manner of Grammys and get […]

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