Tauntaun

Tauntaun

I first learned about the tauntaun in the scienced fictionary film The Empire Is Striking Again! Now, some say a Star Wars movie is not a credible source, but I saw it on IMAX same as Planet Earth, so.

I mean, that's a real dude on top of it.

Probably real, right?

Special powers

The tauntaun keeps very warm. Even on the ice planet of Hoth or – Heaven forbid – North Dakota, the tauntaun can survive.

It does spot-on impressions of the hamburglar and Johnny Carson.

hamburglar

His daring daylight foodstuff heists are made even more bold by his flamboyant costume.

Weaknesses

Firstly, it smells so bad.

Secondly, it smells even worse on the inside.

Number of legs

Two.

Creative ambitions

You may have heard that there’s a new Star Wars movie coming out, The Stars Warring Episode of Seventh, to be helmed by J.J. Walker.

J.J. Walker

“Dy-no-mite!” the director said when hired.

The tauntaun hasn’t gotten much work since its featured appearance in Empire[1], so ever since the announcement, it has been working feverishly to submit its own script treatment with a juicy role for the tauntaun.

Excerpts from the tauntaun’s Star Wars 7 draft

LUKE: (worried) There are disruptors all over our combulatrix. I have a bad Force-feeling about this.

CHEWBACCA: (upset) Graaaaauuuughhh!

TAUNTAUN: That ain’t the half of it, Chewie. You’re all lucky you’ve got the cleverest and best-smelling pilot this side of the Chevros nebula on board.

 

BOBA FETT: Oy, are you mental? You’re tryin’ to clone the emp’ror, innit?

OSAMAX: You think me crazy? Would a crazy man have the Omega Formula?

He holds up something glowing green that the audience can’t quite see, but clearly frightens Fett.

 

ACKBAR: Fire the starboard ion cannons! Set them to Full Gangnam Style!

A record scratch plays, interrupting AC/DC’s Thunderstruck, followed by the familiar strains of rapper PSY…

 

TAUNTAUN: (exhausted) Is that all the Mega-Emperor’s got?

Leia runs to Tauntaun, stepping over the dead bloodtroopers. She looks at Tauntaun with an expression of sexual attraction.

LEIA: Tauntaun, you’re the best of all of us!

 

HAN: But tauntaun! I thought you were dead!

TAUNTAUN: (coolly) Who were you expecting? Wicket?

(At this point the film projector pauses the film for laughter/applause)

Wookieepedia’s Talk Page Says

“Call me sick, but the guts spilling out always made me laugh for some strange reason. I don’t know exactly why…”

What if it fought a bear?

Well, a wampa is kind of like a frosty mega-bear, so I’m gonna say the tauntaun would get eaten.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

I mean, there’s still a chance the tauntaun isn’t real, I guess. That ol’ Georgie Lucas might have made it up in an effort to make me look like a fool. Whatever the case, the tauntaun is pretty nice; it just doesn’t have the chops to make it in Hollywood.

 

7/10

 

 

 

[1]The movie, not the magazine. Its article in the magazine was fine, but nothing special.

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