Pangolin

Pangolin

It goes by “Bangolin” in the rave scene, but its true name is the pangolin.

pangolin walking here

In salsa club, it’s known as “Tangolin.”

Special powers

The pangolin is perhaps most succinctly described as an anteater Tony Stark. Its back is covered in scaly armor. The scales are made of keratin, the same substance your fingernails are made of.[1] There’s nothing the pangolin loves more than a full body massage/pedicure at the nail salon.

This armor is made even more useful by the fact that the pangolin can roll up into a little ball. It’s the roly-poliest animal I’ve rated since the giant panda.

pangolin ball

However, the pangolin’s tongue is much longer than the panda’s.

Weaknesses

The pangolin is literally toothless. It’s not figuratively toothless; it has plenty of courage. Not that it’s extraordinarily courageous, mind you. If it were, I would have mentioned it in Special powers. I’m not slipping mentally. I’m not.

Now where was I? What animal is this? Right, the pangolin. I knew that. I… I was testing you. Anyway, the pangolin is really bad at chess. Every time, it thinks it has a brand new strategy, but all these ideas are just dumb. Most embarrassing was its “King’s Elbow” scheme, which hinged on the power of the leftmost pawn and the mobility of the king. It wouldn’t have been so bad if the pangolin hadn’t named the strategy and laminated résumés mentioning it.

Number of legs

Four.

Fun quote from my encyclopedia of animals

“Pangolins may also eat ants, although they seem to do this unintentionally.”

Diet

The pangolin prefers termites. Almost exclusively. However, like all of us, it’s not immune to a few ants slipping in there now and again. To deal with this problem, the pangolin will swallow pebbles to crush the ants in its stomach before they can survive long enough to form a society. It has also been known to swallow tiny pistols, ball-peen hammers, or ant serial killers for the same reason.

Is it a tetherball?

pangolin tetherballin' it up

The answer may surprise you. But probably not.

What if it fought a bear?

The pangolin can just curl up and ride it out.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

This little guy is pretty much awesome. It’s oddly cute; it’s unique; it’s roly-poly; it’s an animal that comes with its own friggin’ armor.

Tragically, the pangolin is the victim of humanity’s suckiest and jerkiest impulses, and in danger of disappearing forever. To find out how to help it not do that, maybe check out: http://savepangolins.org/help

Sorry to end on a bummer. I really like pangolins. Everyone should.

 

10/10

 

 

 

[1]Presumably. I don’t know your life.

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2 thoughts on “Pangolin

  1. Sam says:

    I wasn’t aware that pangolin wine was a thing, but I’ll continue not buying it.

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