Wendigo

Wendigo

You will find no animal who was more concerned about the recent NHL lockout than this week’s animal: the wendigo. And you’re not likely to find the wendigo either. At least not in any encyclopedia in the US News & World Report ranking of the most reputable encyclopedias.

wendigo (artist's interpretation)

The mainstream media doesn’t recognize the wendigo as “real.”

The wendigo is by far the most Canadian of all the cryptids. It has lived all over the Great North, from Chilliwack to Guelph and every Medicine Hat in between. It even has its own lake in Ontario. Its favorite musicians are Celine Dion and Rush. Half its diet is made up of poutine. The other half is human flesh, which is really the wendigo’s thing, not Canada’s.

Special powers

The wendigo is part owner of the Roughriders. It stays mostly behind the scenes, but it has privately advised the coaching staff on how to best defeat their loathsome rivals, the Rough Riders.[1]

It’s strong, fast, and has a thirst – a thirst a thousand bags of milk couldn’t cure – a thirst…for BLOOD!

Weaknesses

No matter how much it consumes, it can never satisfy its unending hunger. Beware, for you too can suffer the curse of the wendigo if you resort to cannibalism or come in second on Canadian Idol.

Also, when the wendigo mentions “Smarties,” it means something crazy.

Canadian Smarties

What the HECK is this.

Number of legs

Two.

Nemeses

The wendigo has very few nemeses, certainly fewer than one would expect from an animal so intent on devouring people. This is because of how very polite it is. Sure, it may eat you, but it’ll say “soerry” and split a maple syrup Molson’s with you first.

The enemies the wendigo does have include the coaching staff, management, and players of the Rough Riders; the Incredible Hulk; NHL commissioner Gary Bettman; MuchMusic; the manager of the east Halifax Tim Horton’s location; the scarab; eighth grade maths teacher Mr. Ellis; and the Honda CR-V.

Fierceness factor

Pretty dang high.

Celebrity connections

George Wendt has long been rumored to have the curse of the wendigo, based on their similar names and voices. It’s not true, though. What is true is that Mick Jagger was a wendigo for a period of time in the ’80s until he was cured by David Bowie’s personal shaman. What else is true? Lots of stuff. But most relevant is the fact that the wendigo was best friends with Alex Trebek in college, and they still keep in touch.

What if it fought a bear?

Man, it eats a bear like three times a year when it’s hard up for poutine and/or human flesh.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

I know I established there’s no such thing as monsters. But when people talk about monsters, they’re talking about a group that includes the wendigo. And the wendigo is the nicest of the bunch.

On the other hand, given half a chance, it will eat you alive, covered in gravy. If you think I’m okay with that, then you can just take straight off, hoser.

 

5.5/10

 

 

[1]The wendigo is seemingly responsible for pioneering the revolutionary “driving a zamboni into the endzone” strategy which continues to see occasional use in the CFL to this day.

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