Harvestman

Harvestman

Though more commonly known as the daddy longlegs, this animal is truly the harvestman.

harvestman

Harvestman, harvestman, harvests whatever a spider can.

One thing it is truly not is a spider, though it is related enough to see spiders at Christmas and Thanksgiving. So what is it then? The answer, of course, is an invader from outer space.[1] No one knows why it came to our world, but we know what it has done in the time it’s been here. It conquered and enslaved creatures smaller than it. The harvestman placed blocks in their brains to limit their intelligence – hence why bugs are so, so dumb. Still, the harvestman’s victory has had little effect of the day-to-day of those of us unshrunk by Honey’s husband.

tripod

From the viewpoint of the harvestman’s victim.

Special powers

The harvestman does strong impressions of punctuation marks. It once convinced Merriam Webster herself that it was the exclamation point.

See footnotes. Eight footnotes!

The harvestman as the asterisk.

It is also owner of the most powerful venom in the world. It got it on eBay.

Weaknesses

However, the harvestman only has the one vial of said venom, and it has such sentimental value for it that it would never part with it.

Furthermore, it can’t sew a lick. It tried to make a pair of boxers once and the result was downright tragic. Of course, part of that might have been that it had to put eight leg holes in the thing.

Number of legs

Eight.

Known aliases

As I mentioned before, the harvestman is frequently called the daddy longlegs. It also goes by grandaddy longlegs, grampa tallstiltsgreat uncle octopod and pop-pop extendofeet. These nicknames make no sense and are frankly kind of dumb. Though I do appreciate the distraction they provide from the harvestman’s creepy actual name.

Online presence

The harvestman has not put forward much of itself onto the web, but it is a regular user of its resources. Every single audio file it owns contains “DatPiff Exclusive” in the title.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear is a lot bigger than the harvestman’s usual targets. This fight is over before you can say “squish.”

Is it noble?

It is beyond our small human conceptions of nobility.

Final rating

Many mysteries remain. What will the harvestman harvest? Is this harvest the ultimate goal of its invasion? Should those of us larger than an inch be concerned?

Probably not.

 

5/10

 

 

 

[1]Like some sort of… space inv[ED. NOTE: COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT. CEASE & DESIST]

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