Opossum

Opossum

Every animal has a role to play.

Well, most animals. I am excluding beasts like the loathsome tree frog. Take the giant panda. I’m really regretting giving it my number; just today it called and asked me if I wanted to “hit up the ‘gan’s for some T-bizzles!”[1] Frankly, this didn’t even make sense, given the panda’s exclusive consumption of Faygo.

But I’m getting off track. What I mean to say is that the giant panda is nature’s obnoxious juggalo. Similarly, the cow is nature’s hipster. And today’s animal is nature’s hobo – the opossum.

It travels from town to town with its busted-up top hat that looks like a broken soup can and its shoes made of broken soup cans. The opossum travels by rail, by hitchhiking, and by giant trebuchet. It even has a bindle built into its body in the form of a pouch.

Special powers

Beyond said pouch, the opossum has opposable foot-thumbs. Haven’t we all been going about our usual routine and wished we could pick something up with our foot and place it into a hands-free container? Yes. We have. Trust me on this one.

opossum

“Jealous?”

The opossum’s greatest strength comes from the moon. If you’ve ever seen the opossum at night, you’ve no doubt seen its eyes glow with moon-power. This is the time when the opossum is resistant to pit viper venom, surprisingly cunning, and as fast as a car[2]. And so, the opossum is free to commit its moon-crimes.

Also, it quickly recovers from rabies and death.

Weaknesses

Unfortunately, the opossum stone cold contracts rabies at least once a week. Worse than that, it dies frequently.

Beyond those problems, the opossum is sluggish and weak in the daylight, and its hat doesn’t do much of anything a hat should do.

Number of legs

Four.

Number of pouches

One.

Diet

The opossum eats any and all kinds of pie: Apple, raspberry, shoofly, shepherd’s, mulberry, booberry, frankenberry, oopsallberry, rhubarb, meat, pizza, pecan, key lime, vital lemon, crucial tangerine, and much more.

Horrifying Wikipedia quote

“Notably, the male opossum has a forked penis bearing twin glandes.”

Hilarious Wikipedia quote

“In an attempt to create another icon like the teddy bear, U.S. President William Howard Taft was tied to the character Billy Possum.[27][28] The character did not do well, as public perception of the opossum led to its downfall.”

What if it fought a bear?

It all depends on the position of the moon.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The opossum is many things depending on the time. Sometimes it’s dead; sometimes it’s super-powered; sometimes it’s just a train-hopping graffitiman. But it is always a pie-loving moon-criminal.

 

6/10

 

 

 

[1]“Visit the chain restaurant Logan’s Roadhouse to purchase and consume T-bone steaks

[2]Hence why they are often found on highways. Fast though the moon-powered opossum may be, it does not have the safety features of today’s automobiles.

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  1. […] been believed that the meerkat is a sun angel, an emissary of heaven meant to protect humanity from the moon devil and his werewolf […]

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