Winter wren

Winter wren

We all know what time it is. This is St. Stephen’s Day, a day dedicated to the absolute eradication of the wren.[1] While traditional practice calls for me to beat and slash with holly branches those servants who have committed the sins of sleeping in or being born female, I would rather just give some thought to just what this wretched wren is, and why we deputize posses of straw elementals to hunt it down and kill it.

wrenboys

The wrenboys ride tonight. And Hell’s coming with them.

The answer, part A, is that the wren is a known traitor. Part B of the answer is that the wrenboys had the winning bid for the contract.

Special powers

The accursed winter wren is a backstabber, not only in that it excels at stabbing backs, but also in that it has an extremely sharp back – perfect for stabbing.

The winter wren, loathsome though it is, has never lost at Jenga.

Weaknesses

It is not any physically weaker than any other bird, but that’s not much of a high bar to clear. All such creatures are made of fragile, fragile bird bones.[2] No, its major failing is a moral one. Lights, please. The winter wren is a despicable traitor. You name it, the wren has betrayed it. And so, we as a society have cast it out and set this day aside every year to reaffirm our commitment to having our vengeance upon it. We even allied with the straw-man hybrids/abominations unto the Lord the wrenboys against it. We will hunt it in the cities. We will hunt it in the fields. We will hunt it ’round the moons of Nibia and ’round the Antares Maelstrom and ’round Perdition’s flame. We will not know rest until we see its head on a pike. From Hell’s heart we stab at thee, wren. WRRRRRREEEEEEENNNNN!

…And that’s what St. Stephen’s Day is all about, Charlie Brown.

Number of legs

Two.

In which Wikipedia leaves implied “Am I right, ladies?”

“The male builds a small number of nests. These are called ‘cock nests’ but are never lined until the female chooses one to use.”

What if it fought a bear?

The winter wren’s compulsive need for treachery will lead it to betray itself into the bear’s hands.[3]

Is it noble?

No.

NO.

Final rating

WRRRRRREEEEEEENNNNN!

 

1/10

 

 

[1]Winter wren, specifically.

[2]Except Hawkman, which is why he’s a superhero.

[3]Paws.

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