tarantula face

Guess who.

It’s everybody’s favorite giant, hairy-legged spider… the tarantula!

Special powers

The tarantula is unusual among poisonous creatures. Most such animals generate their venom through specialized organs that synthesize hate into deadly chemicals. The tarantula is capable of hate, yes, but it is not as spiteful as its reputation might make one think. It is just as venomous as the best of them, however; it just uses a different formula. The tarantula creates poison through the art of dance.

As a result of this unique, home-brewed recipe, the only way to counteract the tarantula’s bite is to reverse the process – to dance it out. The danger, of course, besides dying of venom, is that you will perfectly repeat the tarantula’s own “danse macabre” it used to craft it, and end up dying of double-poison and sentenced to the redundant punishments of Hell-Squared.


The tarantula lives in small burrows, which it never ever cleans. It will fill a home to the brim with old issues of Good Housekeeping, and then just abandon it. It’s like the reverse of a house flipper. It’s a house ruiner.

Despite appearances of symmetry and its excellent dancing, all eight of the tarantula’s legs are left legs.[1] This means it has a terrible time using ladles.

Number of legs

Eight (left).

Number of lungs

Four (three right, one left).

Horrifying Wikipedia quote

“Male tarantulas have special spinnerets surrounding the genital opening. Silk for the sperm web of the tarantula is exuded from these special spinnerets.”


“Hello, ladies.”


According to Guinness World Records, the oldest tarantula ever lived to be 49 years old. If the idea of a spider that is older than millions of adult humans doesn’t strike you as terrifying, then I don’t know what to tell you. Except maybe, “Hey, you aren’t acquainted with fear the way I imagine a normal person should be.” But that’s a weird thing to tell somebody.

What if it fought a bear?

The tarantula can destroy the bear with anything but an electric slide, which creates the least powerful venom. Just real shoddy stuff.

Is it noble?


Final rating

An aged, bird-eating, hair-covered spider of great size, weaving “sperm webs.” That should send a chill down your spine. Seriously. Check your spine, dude. It might be defective.

Anyway, the tarantula is the best dancer I’ve reviewed yet. Just don’t move in next door; your property value will drop.






[1]That “two left feet” thing is just a saying and shouldn’t be taken literally.

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2 thoughts on “Tarantula

  1. Sam says:

    I haven’t seen Tarantella joke in a while.

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