Typical owl

Typical owl

It has been said that there are two kinds of owls: owls that saw Kanye live before Graduation and owls that didn’t. This, however, is just a dumb thing today’s animal said. A much more useful division is that there are barn owls and typical owls. And today’s animal is the typical owl.

eagle-owl

Typical.

Special powers

Despite the word “typical” in its name, this owl has a number of special powers. It has superb night vision. Its head goes ALL the way around.[1] It is an excellent hunter, at least in regards to little mice and stuff.

The typical owl is always up on the latest bands. Not just the latest bands, in fact, but the latest, nichiest subgenres. It is very proud to have been the first in its peer group to get on board:

  • seapunk
  • crabstep
  • fidget house
  • trance
  • coma
  • monstercore
  • meth rock
  • torture fusion
  • electronic acoustic dance shack
  • ghost protocol
  • goretrap
  • clatter
  • rod and cone
  • swamp rap
  • Minneapolis funk
  • Eastern Western
  • squnge
  • porkabilly
  • post-noise
  • neopsycho jazz
  • and the genre known only as mystery

It was also the first to start the backlash against each of these kinds of music.

Weaknesses

The typical owl’s invisibility is extremely unreliable. Any time the surrounding area is overly complicated or the typical owl just loses focus, the cloak falls. Oh, by the way, it can turn invisible. I should have mentioned that in Special powers.

It sleeps all day. As a result, it misses out on a lot of good stuff. Breakfast, for example.

Number of legs

Two. Wings, also.

Fun Wikipedia fact

According to Wikipedia, in one photo caption presented here in its entirety:

“Owls yawn”

Varieties

There are many kinds of typical owl. These include…

  • Rusty-barred owl: This owl has a tiny jail cell in its abdomen. It is the least secure prison in the world.
  • Snowy owl: The official bird of Quebec, this owl believes strongly in French superiority.
  • Cuban screech-owl: A major character on Cuban television’s “Saved By The Owl.”
  • Elf owl: It is what it sounds like.
  • Golden masked owl: This owl, the Cuban screech-owl’s brother, sought to hide its identity behind a mask. Its true intentions are unknown.
  • Spangledy boobook: Oi, Bob’s your uncle, this rot is just more barmy English kiddo slang. It’s all cheeky cobblers in the lifty-loo to my listeny-wangles!
Northern hawk-owl

Northern hawk-owl.

  • Northern hawk-owl: The fattest of owls.
  • Eurasian eagle-owl: The smartest of owls.
  • Crimean ostrich-owl: The most athletic of owls.
  • Polar griffin-owl: The owl that is most active on Tumblr.
  • Burrowing owl: Whereas most owls live in trees (or barns), only the burrowing owl makes its home in the Earth’s secret inner space, where it learns to hate the Terrans above/below it.
  • Scoops owl: This owl loves cereal more than it loves life itself.

What if it fought a bear?

The typical owl is, like, so over fighting. It’s more into skinny chinos now.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The typical owl is a snob, and it won’t stop taking pictures for Instagram[2] for just one friggin’ minute to have a conversation. Still, it is the first to hear about hot new tunes and that can be useful. I suggest following its Twitter and avoiding it in real life.

 

4.5/10

 

 

 

[1]It is rumored that this is because of a long-running demon possession.

[2]Oddly, it uses a vintage film camera and uploads the images weeks later.

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