Remora

Remora

Did you feel something?

If you did, and if that something you felt was a fish attaching its sucker-like dorsal fin to your underbelly, you may already be host to the remora!

remora on shark

“Remora… on my underbelly?” It’s more likely than you think.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve hosted my fair share[1] of remora in my day. And none of them were thoughtful guests. Wine? Not one bottle. Help with the dishes? Not a single brush was ever picked up. Going a week without coming on to my sister? I wish.

Special powers

As previously alluded to, the remora has a specialized sucker on top of its head, which it uses to be a good-for-nothing mooch. I mean, I should note that it doesn’t actually directly sap its hosts of nutrients or blood like certain others. But when it’s dinnertime and something is attached to you and passive-aggressively mentioning how much it misses Red Robin, you get resentful all the same.

Weaknesses

And then there’s the constant requests to change the channel to its programs. If you want to watch Dancing With the Stars, watch it in the basement! I don’t care if the TV is smaller; this is my house!

Number of legs

It doesn’t even bring its own legs to the table. What do you have to offer, remora? WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO OFFER?

Do I own a Beanie Baby of it?

I thought I did, but it turned out to actually be the remora, and also it wasn’t stuck by Velcro, and also there’s no Velcro on my lower back. It was a very illuminating day.

Diet

The remora prefers Red Robin, Olive Garden, Saladworks and – weirdly – Rax. Good luck finding one of those in 2012.

What if it fought a bear?

The remora is less likely to fight the bear and more likely to just hang out on its haunches for a while and ask it to lend it money.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

Let’s call a spade a spade. It’s time spades understood what they were.

a spade

You are a spade

And once we’re done with that, let’s acknowledge that the remora is a couch-surfer, a hitchhiker, and a make-uncomfortable-er of sisters. It’s mostly harmless, but dang if it’s not annoying.

And it smells like Rax.[2]

 

2.5/10

 

 

 

[1]Nine.

[2]How is that possible? It hasn’t been there for months!

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2 thoughts on “Remora

  1. mary says:

    excellent

  2. Sobot says:

    Dammit! Why didn’t I think of it before?! An animal rating board?
    Sir, you’ve defeated me.

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