Gila monster

Gila monster

After I confirmed that the vampire bat is in fact a dracula, you may now wonder whether the Gila monster is truly a monster.


gila monster

What is that thing?

The truth is that’s a ridiculous question. There is no difference between animals and monsters, except how society sees them. Now don’t you feel bigoted?[1]

Special powers

Should the Gila monster offer to lick you, do NOT fall for it! It’s not an innocent gesture of friendship; it’s a trap. You see, the Gila monster is venomous.

I know you’re probably upset at it for trying to trick you, but do NOT kill it, not even in a duel on the field of honor. The Gila monster is protected from harm by diplomatic immunity.


The Gila monster is incredibly slow-moving. If you say “Heads up,” by the time the Gila monster looks up, the frisbee you were warning it about has already hit it right in the nards.

It spends a vast majority of its time underground, because it is a “doomsday prepper.” The Gila monster has many paranoid theories for what will end the world, but it is confident that whatever it is will happen within its lifetime and be preventable by having a bunker obsessively well-stocked with Kraft Cheese and Macaroni.

Number of legs


Notable accomplishments

It invented taquitos, also known as “flautas.”


The Gila monster’s crowning achievement.

Wikipedia’s Talk Page Asks

“My daughter says that the gilamonster does not defecate; she says it instead uses this as poison. Can this be true?”

Wikipedia’s Talk Page Says Without Anyone Prompting It

“color: they are black and orange”

What if it fought a bear?

Assuming it is not the giant Gila monster, the bear would break it like a Kit-Kat before the monster could even notice the frisbees hitting them both in the nards.

Is it noble?


Final rating

The Gila monster is a sluggish crackpot that abuses its diplomatic immunity to run drug rings.[2] On the other hand, taquitos are delicious.







[1]I mean, take a look at the scorpion and then tell me the monster-animal distinction is meaningful.


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One thought on “Gila monster

  1. […] know I established there’s no such thing as monsters. But when people talk about monsters, they’re talking about a group that includes the […]

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