Vampire bat

Vampire bat

In this creepiest of months, I have rated animals famously associated with monsters and merely named like them. But now we reach the vampire bat.

I know what you’re thinking. We’ve all heard the rumors, the late night campfire stories. But they’re not true. Let me tell you the truth:

Yep, it’s a dracula.

You’ve heard that it’s not a dracula – that it’s just an animal that happens to drink blood and come out at night and fly through the air and be vulnerable to wooden stakes and never cross running water. But come on, guys. We aren’t talking about a big bag of coincidences. We’re talking about a big bag of being a dracula.

vampire bat being a dracula

A dracula.

Special powers

The vampire bat is incredibly well-equipped to locate its blood-having prey. It can detect infrared radiation in order to sense your body heat. It can hear your heartbeat. It can smell your fear. It can see your secrets. It can taste your shame.

And it is judgy.


Wooden stakes. Silver. Sunlight. Garlic. The New York Times Sunday crossword.

Number of legs

Two, plus wings.


The vampire bat has made many enemies over the centuries, many of which are very famous in their own right. They include California youth Buffy Summers, tax evader Blade, theater-lover Abraham Lincoln, Hillbilly Handfishin’ superfan Alucard, and – since 1897 – Van Halen.

Van Halen '84

They once ran the bat over with the car from “Panama.”

Fierceness factor

Very high.


Haven’t you been paying attention? Your blood! It wants your blood!

vampire hat curses the moon, the sun, the stars

“BLOOOOD,” it screams to the heavens.

What if it fought a bear?

We have to make sure that these two never meet. The broad-shouldered bear is not great at fighting things on its neck. And what if the vampire bat turned it? Is America ready for an immortal, flying bear? Is the world? I don’t think so.

Is it noble?


Final rating

I don’t support draculas. I believe my record shows that. That said, I have to respect how good at being a dracula this one is. But seriously, quit tasting my shame!




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5 thoughts on “Vampire bat

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  2. […] I confirmed that the vampire bat is in fact a dracula, you may now wonder whether the Gila monster is truly a […]

  3. […] certain other bats, it is not a dracula. While I applaud it for that, this means it doesn’t share in any of the […]

  4. […] and a wicked sweet venom-barbed tail. The original sketch also called for ram’s horns, bat wings, and an improbably large sword, but those proved […]

  5. […] We have learned in this blog, that if it looks like a dracula, walks like a dracula, and talks like a dracula, it’s probably a dracula. […]

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