I know what you’re thinking. We’ve all heard the rumors, the late night campfire stories. But they’re not true. Let me tell you the truth:
Yep, it’s a dracula.
You’ve heard that it’s not a dracula – that it’s just an animal that happens to drink blood and come out at night and fly through the air and be vulnerable to wooden stakes and never cross running water. But come on, guys. We aren’t talking about a big bag of coincidences. We’re talking about a big bag of being a dracula.
The vampire bat is incredibly well-equipped to locate its blood-having prey. It can detect infrared radiation in order to sense your body heat. It can hear your heartbeat. It can smell your fear. It can see your secrets. It can taste your shame.
And it is judgy.
Wooden stakes. Silver. Sunlight. Garlic. The New York Times Sunday crossword.
Number of legs
Two, plus wings.
The vampire bat has made many enemies over the centuries, many of which are very famous in their own right. They include California youth Buffy Summers, tax evader Blade, theater-lover Abraham Lincoln, Hillbilly Handfishin’ superfan Alucard, and – since 1897 – Van Halen.
Haven’t you been paying attention? Your blood! It wants your blood!
What if it fought a bear?
We have to make sure that these two never meet. The broad-shouldered bear is not great at fighting things on its neck. And what if the vampire bat turned it? Is America ready for an immortal, flying bear? Is the world? I don’t think so.
Is it noble?
I don’t support draculas. I believe my record shows that. That said, I have to respect how good at being a dracula this one is. But seriously, quit tasting my shame!