Reviewing the chicken feels almost pointless.


You know this already.

Werner Herzog, the director of such films as Grizzly Man, Rescue Dawn Under[1] and Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans, has given the definitive word on chickens.

It’s true. They are incredibly stupid. They are mad easy to hypnotize. They also vastly outnumber humans on Earth, so I should give them their due time. No less and NO MORE.

Special powers

The chicken is renowned for its pecking ability. Flocks will form “pecking orders” by which social status is derived from pecking skill and the annual draft, with occasional trades.

And of course, it is the closest living relative to T. Rex, so it can borrow money from it if need be.


Its name is synonymous with “coward” due to its extreme cowardice.

The Year of the Rooster was supposed to be 1993, but then its girlfriend broke up with it and it tore its ACL.

Number of legs

Two, plus wings.

Morning routine

The male chicken (rooster to its friends) starts every single day crowing loudly at dawn in order to express its hatred of the arriving sun. It then proceeds to eat breakfast, read its horoscope, and stare longingly at the toothbrush the toothless bird will never be able to use.


Notice the crest of flesh on its head called a cockscomb.[2]

Eternal questions

The chicken or the egg – which crossed the road first? We may never know.

Oldest age reached

According to the Guinness Book of World Records, the oldest chicken ever lived to 16 years of age, only to die of a heart attack when she saw that her parents had booked One Direction for her Sweet 16 party. But keep in mind that those guys are usually drunk on Irish stout.

What if it fought a bear?

Did you see Grizzly Man?

Is it noble?


Final rating

Chicken, you are so dumb. I ought to hypnotize you right now, just because you don’t deserve to not be hypnotized.

On the other hand? Delicious.






[1]Starring Steve Zahn as Bernard and Christian Bale as Miss Bianca.

[2]Ask your local Spencer Gifts for more information.

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