Dog (part one)

Dog (part one)

In just a few days this blog will reach its first anniversary. That’s a whole year of rating every animal, and now it seems about time to cover one of the most basic and essential ones: the dog.

We’re talking about man’s best friend. That’s a claim reserved solely for it and once upon a time the quail.[1] These two have broed out more than most any other pair of living creatures. Not that that makes it okay to sleep with it.

sleeping dogs lie

Nobody said “with benefits.”

The friendship isn’t the easiest, though, considering the dog doesn’t make a lick of sense. Anyone who’s ever tried to have a conversation with it can confirm this. And so came the whisperers. This secretive cabal claimed to be able not only to commune with the dog, but plant suggestions in its brain – a process known as “inception.” Nearly all of the whisperers have since disappeared – trapped in limbo by the only publicly “out” dog whisperer, Cesar Chavez.[2]

Special powers

The dog has a great capacity for hearing and smell. It is also the only animal other than humans that participates in Double Dare hosted by Marc Summers.

dog agility

The dog has been bred for its immunity to slime.

It is also immune to shame.


The dog is susceptible to heartworms, an infestation of worms with cause sadness, tapeworms, parasites which have been made totally obsolete by Blu-rays, and trick knee, a condition in which the dog’s leg joints turn to confetti just when you don’t want them to.

It is also immune to shame.

Number of legs



Many jobs have been excellent work for the dog. It has served as a firefighter, actor, police officer, shepherd, guard of Hades, hunter, snow dog, and even personal assistant. Blind individuals, for example, will frequently hire the dog to write as they dictate. Consider also Eddie, who to this day personally prepares the tossed salad and scrambled eggs which Kelsey Grammer needs to survive.

Don’t forget

To spay and neuter your pets.

Bob Barker

“…Or I’ll break your legs!”

What if it fought a bear?

You’re going to make the dog fight? What are you, a monster?

Is it noble?

An excellent question. I will answer this question, as well as get into detail about the many different breeds of dog next week in Part Two!

surprised dog




[1]The quail and man separated over irreconcilable differences centuries ago. I should also note that the title was briefly applied to Chandler, but the dog took over the role soon after.

[2]You no doubt remember his catchphrase, “Pizza pizza!”

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7 thoughts on “Dog (part one)

  1. […] It’s not a dog. It’s a kind of vulture, and as such is subject to the rule of the vulture […]

  2. Koh6242 says:

    You know humans are technically classified as animals…though I guess it’d probably be the last animal you’d rated because you’d want to go out with a bit of a bang..

    also I suggest a animal like a sacrifical goat(or bicorn…yes they exist) or maybe a ghost..that’d be fun


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