Kingsnake

Kingsnake

I don’t know if you’ve ever pinned a snake up against a wall in an alley and demanded to know who it’s working for, but the answer is always the same: the kingsnake.

kingsnake

It runs things.

Special powers

The kingsnake rules over all snakes. The powers of all these slithering beasts are at its command.

Beyond being able to summon all manner of serpent to its aid, it has powers inherent in itself. Namely, biting and shape-shifting. (See Forms)

Weaknesses

It’s got no legs!

Number of legs

None at all.

Professions

The kingsnake is a full-time supervillain.

grey-banded kingsnake

It doesn’t matter how many legs it has. What matters is its plan.

It has been a part of many schemes to rule/destroy various nations/the planet. Most have failed, though notably it did spend quite some time as Genghis Khan’s replacement until Luke Cage restored the integrity of the timestream, as well as the $200 the kingsnake owed him.

Luke Cage

Where’s his money, honey?

The kingsnake’s lobbying has also been cited as a major reason for the appointment of Justice Hugo Black, the first “out” supervillain to serve on the U.S. Supreme Court.

Forms

What follows is a partial list of forms the kingsnake may take, for purposes of combat, deception, amusement, or vanity:

  • Florida kingsnake: The conceit of this character is that it has a “swamp persona” threatening to overtake at all times. It was funny the first couple times.
  • Baja Cape kingsnake: A much more flamboyant version of the kingsnake.
  • Mole kingsnake: This is to the kingsnake as the moleman is to man.[1]
  • Black kingsnake: The kingsnake’s most offensive impression.
  • Milk snake: This is the kingsnake’s take on the coral snake, but due to dyslexia, it’s just a little off. It was also once mistaken for a milkshake. Long story short, it inspired the creation of curly straws.
  • Coffee snake: This version of the kingsnake is baller at karaoke.
  • Scarlet kingsnake: An expert mixologist.
Image from West Texas Herpetological Society.

PRO-TIP: A fun way to remember the difference is through a mnemonic device, such as a rhyme.

What if it fought a bear?

The kingsnake has gone toe-to-toe with the likes of the Challengers of the Unknown and MI6 and lived to tell the tale; the bear should be no trouble.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The kingsnake is master of all it surveys, snakewise. Its dedication is incredible. But that dedication is primarily toward evil ends. And a bunch of the characters it does are kind of half-baked.

 

6/10

 

 

[1]If you like this joke, read it again in the salamander review! – Smilin’ Stan

 

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