Well, it’s finally happened. As you may have heard, America has declared war on Mars.

In blatant violation of the peacetime spirit of our Earth Olympics, the shadowy organization NASA (the true meaning of this acronym is known only to the shadow president and the secretary bird) deployed a robot to invade Mars’s airspace, space-space, and landspace. Under the Treaty of Roswell 1919, this is an act of war. And not only that, our first line of defense is a machine!

Now don’t get me wrong. Technology has made many great advances. The technology of caller ID has allowed me to answer the phone more interestingly, according to the person calling, whether that’s “What’s poppin’, brother?”, “Good morrow, Dowager Countess”, “You got a lotta nerve showing your voice after what you pulled”, “BUSINESS TIME, BUSINESSMAN SPEAKING”, or “I’m not cheating on you!”

But that doesn’t mean I want technology as our foot[1] forward on Mars! Robots are notoriously poor at diplomatic relations.


Pictured: A liar.

Take, for example, the narwhal. It is only part machine – a cyborg – but even that is enough to render it a tactless creature.


Bad at first impressions.

Special powers

Much as science has defied reason and self-preservation in threatening the sovereignty of Mars, it first defied God’s plan by grafting cybernetic enhancements onto a beluga whale… namely a large spiral-design horn.

narwhal tusk

A rejected design closely resembled reindeer antlers, which allowed the narwhal to fly but made it look a dang fool.

This horn – more accurately, a tusk – does everything one can expect a horn to do. The narwhal is currently on the Mark VII tusk, which also boasts projectile capability, drilling action, lockpick attachments, and a bottle opener. It is expected to get further upgrades early next year, but still no word on Flash compatibility.

When, in king times, Europeans first saw what Inuit engineers had wrought, they thought they were witnessing the unicorn made seaworthy. They sought to take the narwhal’s tusk and co-op its assumed magical powers. This craze was proof of the old adage, “Europeans are super-dumb.”[2]


It is a tactless creature which can not play Flash videos.

Number of legs


Name origin

According to Wikipedia, “Its name is derived from the Old Norse word nár, meaning ‘corpse’, in reference to the animal’s greyish, mottled pigmentation, like that of a drowned sailor.”

What Wikipedia fails to mention is that the narwhal is part corpse, being kept alive by the mechanical systems within.

meditation chamber

It can rest only within specially designed Pokéballs.

What if it fought a bear?

There’s a reason you never see the polar bear screw with the narwhal. It knows what it would get.

Is it noble?


Final rating

You robots and half-robots and robot-lovers got us into this mess on Mars! And Arnold Schwarzenegger, you didn’t help either.

Total Recall

That said, as abominations go, this is a pretty nice one!








[2]Source: Confucius.

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One thought on “Narwhal

  1. […] Angelfish. Tilapia. Narwhal. Hogfish. Literally any shark. And I’m biased, but my bro the devil fish. It’s like the […]

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