Salamander

Salamander

I know things have been a little weird around here lately. This has no doubt upset Rate Every Animal traditionalists, who have no room in their hearts for interviews or Huell Howsers. I certainly agree with the latter sentiment.

Fortunately, this week we are getting back to basics. Just like the great natural taste of Sierra Mist. No muss, no fuss, nothing but pure delicious mist. Or pure delicious reviews of the salamander as the case may be.

Special powers

The salamander’s abilities are many. Paranoid of its enemies choking it, it has developed back-up methods of breathing. It may breathe through lungs, gills, or its skin depending on what the situation calls for. It’s almost as versatile as a Craftsman 12-volt lithium ion multi-tool!

Speaking of skin, just underneath the salamander’s moist surface are glands which secrete a poisonous peanut butter which can be absolutely lethal depending on your allergies.

And of course, it holds dominion over the element of fire.[1]

tiger salamander

Born in flame, it knows no other way to live.

Weaknesses

Clumsiness, first off. It is constantly getting its limbs lost in horrible accidents, and is only alive today because it can regenerate body parts. I guess I should have mentioned that in Special powers.

The salamander, like anyone else, goes weak for Activia yogurt cups. Another weakness is that the salamander is not “regular.”

Number of legs

Four. The same number as in the Four For Four deal at Urby’s! Four items, each just four dollars each, only from America’s favorite off-brand roast beef franchise!

Categories

There are countless varieties of salamander. I’m talking about more options than the 2013 KIA Sorento Crossover! If you can believe it! A partial list[2] follows:

  • The marbled salamander, the most celebrated model in the salamander world. Its dark secret: It is a mole salamander![3]
  • The spectacled salamander, the most near-sighted of all salamanders.
  • The crowbarred salamander, a staunch Libertarian.
  • The axolotl, which for its treachery was banished to Mexico City. It knows what it did.
  • The rotflotl, a fun party-time dude.
  • The Chinese giant salamander, which some scientists believe is better categorized as a godzilla, to which others reply “Come on, man, godzillas are Japanese!”
  • The alpine salamander, which everyone agrees is a dracula.
  • The olm, a pale blind cave-dweller seen only when it wants to talk to you about how its expertise at the popular hobo-architect simulator Minecraft prepares it perfectly for the “zombie apocalypse.”
  • The hellbender, a mean sonuvagun who controls fire better than any of its salamander brethren.
  • The southern tribe waterbender, which loves nothing more than the fit of Wrangler jeans.
  • The mudpuppy, an offensive slur.
giant salamander

The giant salamander. And might I add: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH

Wikipedia’s Talk Page Asks

“Is there any reason this page has been vandalised five times in the last 10 days? Who could have a grudge against salamanders?”

Who indeed? This sounds like a case for Rizzoli & Isles! Only their brand of hard detectivework and wacky odd-couple implied lesbianism can uncover the identity of the salamander’s Wiki-enemy.

Isles. Also, Rizzoli.

Should take about 40-odd minutes, plus commercials.

What if it fought a bear?

The salamander wins in a walk. Or a crawl as the case may be.

Is it noble?

Yes.[4]

Final rating

The salamander is a many-faceted beast. It is as complicated and dense as Step Up Revolution. Coincidentally, both are in theaters now! That’s why the floors are so sticky.

 

 

9/10

 

 

 

[1] Source: Elder, Pliny the.

[2]Of salamander types. Not Sorento options. Consult your local salamander dealer for that information.

[3]Mole salamander:Salamander::Mole man:Human

[4]This may depend on what edition you’re using. If you are unsure, ask a dungeonmaster if Crestor is right for you.

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One thought on “Salamander

  1. […] you like this joke, read it again in the salamander review! – Smilin’ […]

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