California condor

California condor

Huell Howser: Well hello, everybody; I’m Huell Howser!

Huell Howser, California's Gold

“Wwwow!”

HH: I’m here on a… what do you call this?

Nathan Cranor: A blog, Huell.

HH: A blog – now what’s that?

NC: It’s a… It’s an internet.

HH: And you and I are in it.

NC: Sure. Umm, hi, readers. Sorry about this. Huell stumbled in here with a microphone and just started doing his show here.

HH: My sense of direction isn’t at its best, folks. I’ve been very dizzy lately. But what is it you do here on this bloggernet?

NC: Today I rate the California condor.

California Condor

HH: Now that is one wild-looking dog!

NC: It’s not a dog. It’s a kind of vulture, and as such is subject to the rule of the vulture king.

HH: Amaazing! Now that is truly some of California’s Gold.

NC: You’ve got to leave.

HH: Does this dog eat avocados? I once met a dog who loved to eat avocados!

NC: The condor is a scavenger, feeding mostly on carrion, but occasionally will settle for checked luggage as well.[1]

Special powers

HH: Wwow! And if you can see here, this creature, whatever it is, is moving through the air…without moving its feet!

California Condor Flying in Pinnacles National Monument

NC: It’s called flying. Seriously, leave.

HH: You know, from up there, I bet it can see aaaall the way to beautiful San Bernardino, California.

NC: That’s it. Excuse me for a second, everybody.

please stand by

…That’s better. Now, where was I? Ah, yes…

Weaknesses

As covered in my bald eagle review, the California condor is a living piñata ready to burst with candy at the first hint of a bullet. So that’s a big one. It also suffers from the same baldness as that eagle, though it is not so ashamed of it. It should be though. It should be.

Number of legs

Two.

Online presence

The California condor bizarrely thrives on dead and dying social media platforms. It is currently the most active and popular user on Friendster.

Loyalty to the vulture king

High to medium-high.

What if it fought a bear?

Is the bear dead? If so, it might have a fighting chance.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

The California condor does what it sets out to do, and does it with integrity. Consider that corpses are notoriously lazy; they’re not going to eat themselves. The California condor fills that role perfectly.

It can be a little “LA” though.

California condor

“Are you guys going to the Grove later? I need to walk off this Pinkberry.”

HH: That is amaazing!

NC: Gah! How many times do I have to shoot you in the head?!

HH: Now you say I have a “head?” Now what’s that?

NC: Hhuuuuuueeeelll!

Studio Audience: Laughter, applause

Executive Producer: Dick Wolf

 

7.5/10

 

 

[1]Ba-dum-tish.

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3 thoughts on “California condor

  1. […] corpses would contain front-row Skynyrd tickets. The rumor was false – spread, some say, by the California condor to take some heat off itself for the rumor that it was a living piñata ready to burst with candy […]

  2. […] of categorization controversy, there has been much talk of the California condor being deemed ineligible in the meat-eating categories because, according to the academy, its meals […]

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