Giant panda

Giant panda

In a stunning first for Rate Every Animal, I have secured an exclusive interview with the subject of my review.[1] That’s right. Today I present to you the giant panda.

Panda with bamboo jazz flute

I bet you didn’t know it can play flute.

It is a very famous animal. Perhaps you think you already know a lot about it, such as the fact that it has very specific dietary needs. There’s one type of sustenance it prefers above all else: Faygo. The panda is a Faygan, consuming only Faygo and Faygo-derived products.

Faygo, sweet nectar of the juggalo

Faygo’s website is currently featuring Uncle Kracker. Come on, Faygo. Come on.

Giant Panda: Magic magic ninja what![2]

Nathan Cranor: Is this a trick question?

GP: Are you not down with the clown?

NC: I’m perfectly healthy, thanks.

GP: Ugh, come on, brotato. You’re such a muggle-o.

Special powers

NC: Panda, what would you say are your special powers?

GP: Dogg, I got talents out the ‘zoo.[3] I’m totes strong. I’m roly-poly as heck.

NC: Is that really a strength? Being roly-poly?

GP: Why don’t you ask me that when I’m ‘scapin’ all the uphill dangers?

NC: I don’t know, scheduling probably.

GP: An’ when I’m rollin’ I’m rollin’ deep. 21 style.

NC: 21?

GP: Adele, dig?

NC: Oh. That’s not what I was thinking of.

21 is a movie Kevin Spacey is in

The Space-man rolls deep also.

GP: I’m tryna explicate I gots a crew of my best compadres what got my back every time and then some. Whoop, whoop.

NC: Are they all juggalos too?


GP: Nah, somes is Independent.

NC: That’s very tolerant of you.

GP: A panda be nothin’ if not such a thing as you have described.

Number of legs

NC: How many legs do you have, in your opinion?

GP: Oh mane, you know I ain’t even see that ish in an unbiased fash’. But gun to ma nuts, I go four.

Entertainment preferences

NC: What art do you enjoy, besides the collected works of Psychopathic Records?

GP: Look, don’t be scribin’ a world where I’m defined by ICP. ‘S just a facet. Like, you know I flip on the teev on the weekly to catch B. Notes. It’s this sick show up in USA. Characs welcome, namsayin’?

NC: No.

burn notice

Mikey West got that b. note.

GP: Further to the more, if we bein’ honest, lately I’m all up on that Brav. Real ‘swives of New Jers’, Top Chef Just ‘sserts. It ain’t make me less of a panda, Kevin, if you’s readin’ this.

NC: Moving on…

GP: Slow down, brolio vaccine. I ain’t yet mention which of the books I favor.

NC: I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared to ask.

GP: You laid eyes on these Hungry Games? That Katniss chick represents ‘strict 12 like a boss.

Petability factor

NC: Let’s not mince words; you’re very fuzzy.

GP: You’re speakin’ truth to power with that one, dogg.

NC: What’s your stance on petting?

GP: Not my fave. Usually it’s got more than a tinge of that condescensh. But I know what I been given, and deprivin’ the world of it ain’t a place I can call mine. Sometimes you take one for the team, namsayin’?

NC: What if you fought a bear?

GP: What, like one of them brown squares? A grizz? Or like slothy B? I know I can take on the latter, not so for sure on the former.

Is it noble?

NC: No.

GP: What’s this now?

Final rating

NC: Thank you for doing this interview, giant panda.

GP: I got ‘preciation for you for lettin’ me get my voice out there, namsayin’, tickle-me-elbro?

NC: This interview is over. (storms out, ripping microphone off of shirt)

GP: …Yeah, I know. Hence the wrap-up. Think I can’t catch a drift? I’m windfarm status in the area of drift-catching.

giant panda

Grabbin’ up the drifts wherever they fall.

…Okay, let me be the first to admit that what I did was unprofessional. But that Elmo pun really rubbed me the wrong way, like a certain kind of plush animal upon any sensor-triggering touch.

Fortunately, I walked out on the end of the interview, so you haven’t lost any content. There should be enough to show that the giant panda is, well, a bit much. Namsayin’?







Footnotes    (↵ returns to text)

  1. I have done interviews before, as in my consultation of Anna Paquin, but that was about an animal completely separate from Anna Paquin.
  2. I later learned that this is a secret greeting amongst the gentle juggalo, of which the panda counts itself. Greet Vice President Joseph Biden in this way and you may just get a tour of his hidden “man-cave.”
  3. Wazoo. I can’t translate it further than that.
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5 thoughts on “Giant panda

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