In a stunning first for Rate Every Animal, I have secured an exclusive interview with the subject of my review. That’s right. Today I present to you the giant panda.
It is a very famous animal. Perhaps you think you already know a lot about it, such as the fact that it has very specific dietary needs. There’s one type of sustenance it prefers above all else: Faygo. The panda is a Faygan, consuming only Faygo and Faygo-derived products.
Giant Panda: Magic magic ninja what!
Nathan Cranor: Is this a trick question?
GP: Are you not down with the clown?
NC: I’m perfectly healthy, thanks.
GP: Ugh, come on, brotato. You’re such a muggle-o.
NC: Panda, what would you say are your special powers?
GP: Dogg, I got talents out the ‘zoo. I’m totes strong. I’m roly-poly as heck.
NC: Is that really a strength? Being roly-poly?
GP: Why don’t you ask me that when I’m ‘scapin’ all the uphill dangers?
NC: I don’t know, scheduling probably.
GP: An’ when I’m rollin’ I’m rollin’ deep. 21 style.
GP: Adele, dig?
NC: Oh. That’s not what I was thinking of.
GP: I’m tryna explicate I gots a crew of my best compadres what got my back every time and then some. Whoop, whoop.
NC: Are they all juggalos too?
GP: Nah, somes is Independent.
NC: That’s very tolerant of you.
GP: A panda be nothin’ if not such a thing as you have described.
Number of legs
NC: How many legs do you have, in your opinion?
GP: Oh mane, you know I ain’t even see that ish in an unbiased fash’. But gun to ma nuts, I go four.
NC: What art do you enjoy, besides the collected works of Psychopathic Records?
GP: Look, don’t be scribin’ a world where I’m defined by ICP. ‘S just a facet. Like, you know I flip on the teev on the weekly to catch B. Notes. It’s this sick show up in USA. Characs welcome, namsayin’?
GP: Further to the more, if we bein’ honest, lately I’m all up on that Brav. Real ‘swives of New Jers’, Top Chef Just ‘sserts. It ain’t make me less of a panda, Kevin, if you’s readin’ this.
NC: Moving on…
GP: Slow down, brolio vaccine. I ain’t yet mention which of the books I favor.
NC: I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared to ask.
GP: You laid eyes on these Hungry Games? That Katniss chick represents ‘strict 12 like a boss.
NC: Let’s not mince words; you’re very fuzzy.
GP: You’re speakin’ truth to power with that one, dogg.
NC: What’s your stance on petting?
GP: Not my fave. Usually it’s got more than a tinge of that condescensh. But I know what I been given, and deprivin’ the world of it ain’t a place I can call mine. Sometimes you take one for the team, namsayin’?
NC: What if you fought a bear?
GP: What, like one of them brown squares? A grizz? Or like slothy B? I know I can take on the latter, not so for sure on the former.
Is it noble?
GP: What’s this now?
NC: Thank you for doing this interview, giant panda.
GP: I got ‘preciation for you for lettin’ me get my voice out there, namsayin’, tickle-me-elbro?
NC: This interview is over. (storms out, ripping microphone off of shirt)
GP: …Yeah, I know. Hence the wrap-up. Think I can’t catch a drift? I’m windfarm status in the area of drift-catching.
…Okay, let me be the first to admit that what I did was unprofessional. But that Elmo pun really rubbed me the wrong way, like a certain kind of plush animal upon any sensor-triggering touch.
Fortunately, I walked out on the end of the interview, so you haven’t lost any content. There should be enough to show that the giant panda is, well, a bit much. Namsayin’?
- I have done interviews before, as in my consultation of Anna Paquin, but that was about an animal completely separate from Anna Paquin.↵
- I later learned that this is a secret greeting amongst the gentle juggalo, of which the panda counts itself. Greet Vice President Joseph Biden in this way and you may just get a tour of his hidden “man-cave.”↵
- Wazoo. I can’t translate it further than that.↵