Red-lipped batfish

Red-lipped batfish

Deep in the deepest, darkest depths of the – wait, I’ve done this before.

Look, the anglerfish doesn’t own the depths. It’s not the bossfish.* Of course, I should be clear that neither is the red-lipped batfish. It’s decidedly unbosslike, in fact.

http://www.divephotoguide.com/user/ecophoto/gallery/galapagos_island/photo/3245/

Not exactly a leader of men fish.

The first thing one notices about the red-lipped batfish is its ridiculous appearance. Aesthetic judgments are entirely subjective, but by a fluke, the red-lipped batfish is the only point agreed upon by all tastes across the board as ridiculous. Part of that is its distinctive nose; part of that is its silly Jynx-esque lips. Honestly? Part of that is its lack of confidence. Maybe if you used better posture and dressed a little better, red-lipped batfish, you wouldn’t be the universal standard for preposterousness.

Special powers

The red-lipped batfish’s dumb nose is not wholly without use. It uses it somewhat like the anglerfish uses its light – to attract prey. Fish will wander near it to get a better look at someone they think may be the dad from Baby Blues in drag, only to be snatched by those goofy lips.

Weaknesses

It can’t swim.

I’m serious; we are talking about a fish what can’t swim, son. As if such a behavior is even half an acceptable.

Number of legs

None, but it uses its fins as legs to push itself pathetically along the bottom of the ocean floor.

Nemeses

The red-lipped batfish has one archenemy: the red-lipped jokerfish.

jokerfish

Pictured above, having a good time.

This abomination entered the scene several years ago, causing all kinds of chaos and giving the batfish new purpose in life. It works hard to stop the jokerfish from killing innocents, but given the batfish’s general uselessness (see Weaknesses), it doesn’t succeed much. Still, bless its heart for trying.

What if it fought a bear?

At worst, the bear gets some lipstick on it.

Is it noble?

Moderately.

Final rating

It looks like (and is) a real doofus, but it’s kind of endearing in its own way.

While it takes a cue from the cowardly fishing of the anglerfish, it is overall a much more respectable animal. It may not be an effectual one, but at least it takes some kind of a stand (on its stupid little fin-legs) against the red-lipped jokerfish.

It’s a slow guardian, a watchful buffoon. A drag queen.

Dark Knight cycle

BWOOOOSHH.

 

 

 

Seriously though, it can’t swim.

6/10

 

 

*Who is the bossfish? Is it Tony?

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