Anglerfish

Anglerfish

Deep in the deepest, darkest depths of the deep ocean deep, there is many a strange creature. The anglerfish is one of the deepest and strangest and deepest.

AAAAAAAAAHHHHH

Home Alohno

Special powers

According to Wikipedia, “In most species, a wide mouth extends all around the anterior circumference of the head, and both jaws are armed with bands of long pointed teeth, which are inclined inwards, and can be depressed so as to offer no impediment to an object gliding towards the stomach, but prevent its escape from the mouth. The anglerfish is able to distend both its jaw and its stomach (its bones are thin and flexible) to enormous size, allowing it to swallow prey up to twice as large as its entire body.”

All of this is true of both the anglerfish and the Cheshire cat.

Weaknesses

I don’t know if this is a weakness exactly, but uh listen to this. When the anglerfish goes to reproduce, it sets the mood all right, puts on some Barry White, lights a candle (the candle is actually her bioluminescent extended spine), and then the much smaller male attaches itself to the female’s body and she absorbs his entire being. Their systems fuse and his organs and soul all slowly cease to be, until all that’s left is his poor fishy testicles.

All of this is true of both the anglerfish and Kris Jenner.*

Jenner Time

The male is pictured here with just three internal organs still wholly his own.

Number of legs

Nope.

Notable accomplishments

The anglerfish is most famous for its way of catching prey. Specifically, it invented fishing. It had a total monopoly on the fish market, until humans grew tired of relying on the anglerfish for their seafood supply and totes plagiarized it.**

“Ooh, look at me! I’m an angler!” (Source)

Wikipedia’s Talk Page Theater

Wikipedian 1 asks: “Are they dangerous? Can they bite? Those sharp teeth look formidable.”

Wikipedian 2 answers: “anglerfish are cool”

Known aliases

“Common black devil.”

…What the heck, anglerfish? That’s messed up, dogg. That’s messed up.

What if it fought a bear?

She’ll eat your soul and steal your ball strength, bear! Don’t test her!

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

Sneaky deceiver tricking and eating innocent fish with unfair tactics. Horrifying monster absorbing its own kind into itself. Super-racist. The anglerfish.

You were wrong, Wikipedian 2. You were so wrong.

 

1/10

 

 

*My resumé’s in the mail, Late Night!

**The copycat who stole fishing from the anglerfish was named Prometheus.

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2 thoughts on “Anglerfish

  1. […] Deep in the deepest, darkest depths of the – wait, I’ve done this before. […]

  2. […] the worst fish (that deceitful, mate-absorbing ol’ racist the anglerfish[1]) is better than the […]

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