The chinchilla. What do we know about it?

The fur thing, yes. Duh. Everybody knows about the fur thing. The most ignorant of babies is born knowing the fur thing.


Note the Hitleresque haircut.

Babies are notoriously unaware. Selfish, too. 4/10.

Ugh, now you’ve got me thinking about babies. I can’t let that pollute my feelings about the chinchilla. Let’s just skip ahead.

Special powers

The fur thing. Did you know that the chinchilla cleans its valuable, uber-soft fur only through dust baths? That is why you sometimes see wealthy ladies in chinchilla fur coats rolling about in fine particles of pumice.


The chinchilla cannot sweat. Like a dumb loser. It’s hot, idiot.



…I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gone off on the chinchilla for its sweat deficiency. I think I was still mad at babies.

I should, however, in the name of professionalism, mention another weakness. The chinchilla has a compulsive need to chew, which can be a very damaging addiction. The chinchilla has more shameful mornings than it cares to remember where it’s awoken to find itself in the remnants of its favorite cardboard, now utterly demolished.

Number of legs



The chinchilla lives in the Andes mountain range in South America, which means that it cooks food at slightly different temperatures. Individual microwaves may vary. Take this into account when borrowing recipes from the chinchilla.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear isn’t half as soft as the chinchilla, but it is several times larger and more capable.

Is it noble?


Final rating

It may not be as refreshing as the Fun-Size Tropical Chilla To Go Pouch by FruityBreeze Inc.,* but it is just as sweet.** The chin is definitely in the top five of all chillas across the board.





*I am legally obligated to say there is no actual fruit or breeze in any FruityBreeze product.

**Figurative. Do not eat the chinchilla.

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