If you’ve ever gone to the grocery store only to discover yet another blood orchid shortage, you’ve been affected by the actions of today’s animal: the anaconda.

The anaconda, you see, is the self-fashioned guardian of the blood orchid.  It has never taken kindly to interlopers shipping it out to big box retailers in massive quantities to overwhelm mom and pop blood orchid shops.


The anaconda: Friend to small business.

Special powers

The anaconda is one of the largest snakes on Earth.* And it’s not because of obesity. I’m talking about pure muscle, baby.

That muscle can be used to swim, even though it doesn’t have a single limb to desperately flail, nor a voice with which to scream for help oh no please help not like this, which is how I understand swimming to work.


The anaconda will never be able to play “Classical Gas” on guitar like it so desperately wants.

Mason Williams

And Mason Williams will never let it forget that.

Because of the way it swallows its prey (hint: “whole”), it frequently has great big bumps in its middle, which can make navigating narrow spots difficult. If you’ve ever seen the anaconda caught halfway into a doggy door with an undigested peccary trapped on the other side, you know what a pathetic sight it is.

Number of legs

Hahaha, be serious.

Computer proficiency

The anaconda is capable in Windows, Mac, and Linux platforms, and is branching out to Android and iOS. It invented the programming language “Python.”

Does it want none?

Yes, unless you got buns, hon.

How do you know?

My source for this information is the anaconda’s close personal friend Sir Mix-a-lot the Honest, the knight known for his inability to lie. A famous origin myth says that Mix-a-lot once chopped down an innocent cherry tree in the prime of its life, but confessed to his crime and received a shortened sentence.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear is a tough one for the anaconda, as it would take two to three bites, while the anaconda prefers those that can be handled in one.

Is it noble?


Final rating

With its varied interests investing it in the worlds of blood orchids, fiscal policy, computer programming, animal-devouring, big butts, and more, the anaconda is one of the most well-rounded of all animals. Except when it just ate a peccary. Then the roundedness is a bit stretched out.

Mason Williams

“All that won’t get it any closer to meeting the Smothers Brothers!”


*It’s one of the smallest on Mars, and is roughly the median for Serpento the Viper Planet.

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One thought on “Anaconda

  1. […] he would title it “Baby Got Agama,” which would actually be very much a better match for the anaconda. Last but not firstly, if I have calculated rightly I will be hitting my word count right about […]

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