Catfish

Catfish

Let’s make one thing clear up front. The catfish is not a cat.

I CAN HAZ MEME?

I mean, yeah, they both have barbels, but almost everything else is different.

The catfish is, like the antlion or flycatcher or woodpecker or elephant seal, named after its preferred prey. There is nothing the catfish enjoys more than slurping down a delicious calico.

Special powers

The catfish’s spines may be stiffened in order to sting its enemies with a certain substance.

Weaknesses

Unfortunately for the catfish, that substance is V8, so while it can be damaging if injected in a vein, the catfish’s foe can foil its attacks just by opening its mouth at the right time.

The catfish is a bottom feeder. There’s no shame in that, but I’m kidding; there is vast shame in that. To facilitate its disgusting behavior, the catfish is negatively buoyant, which has “negative” right in the name.

Number of legs

None.

Timing of national days

National Catfish Day is observed on June 25, as standardized by the 1987 order of the United States government. Before then, its exact location on the calendar varied from region to region and even town to town.

Ronald Reagan

“Yo doggs, we gotta get our —- together on this Catfish Day issue.”

You may wonder why I am not posting this closer to National Catfish Day. The answer is that I prefer to celebrate it privately.

Varieties

There are numerous different kinds of catfish. These include:

  • Armored catfish, a catfish covered in chainmail. It loves renaissance faires and unnecessary additions of the letter “e.”
  • Talking catfish, a kind of armored catfish. The only aquatic life who can be understood to ordinary individuals (see Electric eel), provided they speak Esperanto.
  • Naked catfish, a sex offender.
  • Electric catfish, who is exactly like the standard catfish, except it must carry an amp with it wherever it goes.
  • Mekong giant catfish, a catfish from Skull Island.
  • Aristotle’s catfish, the catfish who was Aristotle’s closest confidante. It’s said by some that Aristotle’s catfish was the true philosopher, and the Greek human was merely its public face. Roland Emmerich told this story by way of allegory in the 2011 film Anonymous.
  • Sucker catfish, the ugliest and most gullible of all catfish.
  • Bullhead catfish, the result of a catfish breeding with a minotaur
  • Catfish Collins, Bootsy Collins’ older brother.

Is it kosher?

Not yet, but the catfish is actively training and petitioning.

What if it fought a bear?

All the bear has to do is unplug it or trick it or pull its chainmail over its head. Only exception is the bullhead catfish, with its mighty horns.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

It’s a gross bottom-feeding weirdo who eats cats. But so was ALF, and he took America by storm. However, we were decidedly less amused when he decided to take America by force.

ALF threatens Earth

“Come to me, Superman! I defy you! Come and kneel before ALF!”

The catfish: potential threat, definite Cajun-spiced delight.

 

5/10

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One thought on “Catfish

  1. cassidy mayo says:

    the biggest catfish ever cought

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