Cockroach

Cockroach

There are many bugs in this world. Too many, one could say. But none are as paranoid as the cockroach. There has been confusion about this, but the cockroach itself is not particularly resistant to radiation. The expansive, well-stocked bunker it’s building is.

Special powers

The cockroach does not have the antennae of other insects, but it compensates with an incredible mustache.

cockroach

Not pictured: Monocle, twirling.

Weaknesses

Everyone who meets it hates it. As a result, its friend circle is extremely limited.

It loves to frequent Internet comment sections, but is completely reliant on others’ Wi-fi. If you find the cockroach in your own home uninvited, you may need to better protect your network.

Number of legs

Six.

What does it do?

The cockroach spends most of its time working on its doomsday preparations, taking the odd break to go to someone’s apartment or Starbucks or the public library to ask YouTube whatever happened to good music and tell Yahoo! how mad it is that it just read whatever article it just read.

cockroach on keyboard

“Back in the day, Hey Arnold was on TV. In 2012, we are all doomed to post-apocalyptic race wars! Share this post if you love America. Only 1 in 3 people can read this.”

After the sun goes down is when the cockroach really gets active. As night falls, it goes out into the world to feed on the dead flesh of fallen animals and fallen fruits. The cockroach detests light. The exception is the Asian cockroach, which is attracted to it, but only “ironically.”

What if it fought a bear?

The cockroach’s only hope is to escape back to its bear-resistant compound.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

Despite the similar name and shared insect nature, the cockroach is certainly no cockchafer. It’s barely even Papa Roach. Yeah, its crazy bunker is actually kind of impressive, but for me to join it there, it would have to be my… LAST RESORT.

Durr durp!

I expected Horatio Caine.

 

1.5/10

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