Secretary bird

Secretary bird

My international readers may not be aware there are four main branches of the United States government: legislative, executive, judicial, and shadow.

He is the law.

Pictured: The judicial branch.

The secretary bird is a key member of the fourth.

Special powers

The secretary bird does not possess many special powers in and of itself. Sure there’s the flight, the beak, the talons. But its greatest powers are vested in it by the authority of the United States government. These include diplomatic immunity, power over CIA, FBI, FDA, AARP and UCLA, a tunnel to Cuba, and a TV capable of airing PBS-Omega, the secret sub-channel within PBS, among other abilities which I wanted to tell you but was censored by [REDACTED].


Despite its wings, the secretary bird stays primarily on the ground. It claims it’s a simple preference, but rumors indicate it’s because it’s scared of clouds.*

Pictured: A bird not flying

Pictured: A bird not flying

Number of legs


Role in the shadow government

The secretary bird reports directly to the shadow president, the highest rank in the branch, which performs numerous less public tasks than its executive counterpart.** The secretary bird’s position is roughly parallel to the entirety of the Cabinet wrapped up in one feathered individual. It is the shadow president’s closest advisor and confidante.

Over the years, it has accumulated secrets from numerous high-level officials, which it always keeps until the government officials in question are long dead. Even then, the secretary bird has only revealed these factoids to Illuminati Beat, the inner circle’s self-published ‘zine. Lucky for you, I got a hold of the first quarter 2012 issue. Here’s a few choice tidbits I managed to read before Ms. Winfrey snatched it back:

  • Jimmy Carter preferred to be called by the nickname POTUS Spunkmeyer. This informed his rap name Young Spunky P.
  • General Patton bathed in motor oil every eight months or 5,000 miles.
  • The cigarette-smoking man ate a whole tray of ashes once, just for the YouTube views.
  • Everyone assumed that shadow president Jorge Washingtron had real steel teeth, but they were just cleverly painted wooden ones.
  • Frank Sinatra mainly joined the Adjustment Bureau because he was deeply ashamed of his head tattoo of a map of Pangaea and wanted to wear the hat.

Bizarre Wikipedia Quote

“Africans sometimes call it the Devil’s Horse. As such it has often not been molested, although this is changing as traditional observances have declined.[7]

What if it fought a bear?

The Extra-Secret Service is there to make sure the secretary bird never has to worry about this.

Is it noble?


Final rating

I don’t agree with the actions of many shadow administrations – [REDACTED] and [REDACTED]: A Tail of Two Kitties, to name two – but the secretary bird has done its job (and stomped its mouse prey) so efficiently throughout the years, I have to grudgingly give it my respect. So, I’m going to finally go with…





*The secretary bird once posted, then hastily deleted a tweet declaring cumulonimbus “tyrant of the monster-sky.”

**Dick Cheney was the only shadow president to hold the office of vice president at the same time. In something of an existential crisis, he voluntarily vacated his records from both positions upon realizing that he was a replicant with all the memories of the original Cheney.

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2 thoughts on “Secretary bird

  1. […] Perhaps, if you are a particularly international or ignorant reader, you wonder why the bald eagle is so appropriate for this holiday. The answer is that the bald eagle is a national symbol of the United States of America, and as such is imbued by the Constitution with a great many executive powers. It is in the top two most powerful birds in America, along with the secretary bird. […]

  2. […] organization NASA (the true meaning of this acronym is known only to the shadow president and the secretary bird) deployed a robot to invade Mars’s airspace, space-space, and landspace. Under the Treaty of […]

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