Dolphin

Dolphin

The dolphin might seem friendly, seeing as it is always smiling all the time, but it’s really super-fake, seeing as it is always smiling all the time.

dolphin

Bottlenose? More like brownnose.

It gets that lustrous silver look by hitting up the dolphin tanning salon every dang week. And while it’s a mammal, it’s completely hairless; do you think that just happened by accident? Obsessive plucking, friend.

Special powers

The dolphin is supposedly quite smart, vapid though it may act. It has connections to celebrities.

Elton John and dolphin

That's SIR Elton John to you.

It is also a master of echolocation, thanks to an organ in its head named the melon – so-called because of its round shape, firm yet juicy texture, and fruity taste.

The dolphin also displays a level 6 healing factor. It has no memory of where this would have come from, but many speculate it’s from the same place as the scratched out serial code on its skeleton and assassin personality.*

Weaknesses

Other animals have frequently maligned the dolphin for its shallowness. For example, right to the dolphin’s face, the fox mocked the dolphin’s “Bravo: Watch What Happens” tattoo. It’s a hypocrite, though, considering its own “We Know Drama” shoulder ink.

Plus, its connections to celebrities are often exaggerated.

Snoop and his dolphin posse

It met him once and still swears it used to be his carrier.

Number of legs

No.

Accomplishments

The dolphin repeatedly aided the crew of the seaQuest and its commander Elijah Wood.

The dolphin, on itself

“I’m really very sweet and generous. Heck, ask my buddy Ryan Reynolds. He was saying it just the other day at his party. Oh, you were there? That’s crazy. I was totally there; it is weird we didn’t see each other. I spent a lot of time upstairs. It was kind of a smaller thing. Close friends only. Every celebrity has a party within the party. I can’t believe Ry-Ry didn’t introduce us. That’s so like him, that rascal.”

Thank you, seaQuest, for the translation services that made this section possible.

What if it fought a bear?

The dolphin learned to fight from Real Housewives shows. Its wine-throwing strategy is no match for the bear’s preferred mauling strategy. There is, however, one exception:

Day of the Dolphin

If the dolphin has been trained by George C. Scott to assassinate the President of the United States, and also the United States has elected a bear.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

The dolphin is said to be extremely intelligent. But think about it. It’s not as smart as the human, and if you think real hard, I’m sure you can think of some really dumb humans.

 
5.5/10

 

 
*Triggered by the codeword… Well, I shouldn’t say, but it rhymes with “You must leave the chateau.” The program thought Joe Millionaire would last forever.

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

2 thoughts on “Dolphin

  1. Daniel says:

    I’m kind of disappointed there’s no Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy reference here :/

  2. […] part of the world. A whale is a big wet giant. The beluga whale is more closely related to the dolphin than either of these creatures. It is also related to Jeopardy! champion and America’s […]

Comments are closed.