Merriam-Webster defines the cheetah as something that never prospers. Anyone who knows the cheetah knows that this simply isn’t true.

The cheetah doesn’t wield the organizational power and influence of the lion, but it does have an extensive personal fortune at its disposal, thanks to its ongoing success in racing.

Special powers

The cheetah is the fastest land mammal on the globe. The only real competition at its level are history’s most elite racers. The cheetah has had particularly intense rivalries with Burt Munro, Seabiscuit (Tobey Maguire), Usain Bolt the Legfreak*, Pete “Maverick” Mitchell, Takashi the Drift King, Twista, the echidna, Captain Douglas Falcon, Racer X, Mario Andretti, and Wario Andretti.

Captain Douglas Falcon

Douglas rued the day he asked the cheetah to “show {him} {his} moves.”

The last rival nearly ended the cheetah’s career in 1994 with an illegal koopa shell maneuver, but the cheetah has since returned to the sport faster than ever, completing the dreaded Kessel Run in a mere 10.4 parsecs.


Besides low-down, desperate stunts with koopa shells, not much can slow the cheetah down. The tragic irony is that its inability to slow down is exactly what strains its relationships with family and friends.**

Number of legs



It has been said by many seemingly reputable sources that the cheetah can not roar. The truth is that it can, but it chooses not to. Between you and me, I think it just knows that the lion is better at it and is just too embarrassed to even try. Not that the cheetah would ever admit such an insecurity.

Fur characteristics

Speaking of things the lion does better, did you know there is such a thing as a cheetah mane?

Cheetah and cub

The cheetah is a rarity in the animal kingdom: a camera whore. It nets you cool poses like this.

The cheetah has one only as a youth, however, as it falls out in adolescence in a sort of mirror of the lion gaining one in puberty. Both big cats celebrate the occasion of gaining or losing a mane as a symbol of the transition from cubhood to adulthood. And that’s what a cat mitzvah is.

Leadership prophecy

“Into every generation a king cheetah is born: one cheetah in all the world, a chosen one. He alone will wield the speed and skill to do the really, really big loop we built. On this basis, he shall lead us.”

The cheetah seer’s words have been proven true thus far. How effective a leader the king cheetahs have been and whether building the loop was a waste of resources: these are up for debate.

What if it fought a bear?

With getaway sticks like those, it doesn’t need to stand and fight anybody.

Is it noble?


Final rating

While the cheetah is devoted to the purity of the sport of racing, in all other aspects of its life, it is sorely lacking in moral compunction. Witness its crumbling personal life, its constant gazelle-killing, its frequent pranks on unwitting drive-thru operators, etcetera. But under all the bravado and emotional distance, there’s a very fuzzy kitty underneath.

Cheetah belly

Isn’t there? Isn’t there, boy?





*Please consult the blobfish post for more on Bolt and his fellow Freaks.

**Coming this summer to USA. Characters welcome.

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