Ostrich

Ostrich

Contact the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, ’cause I’ve got a highly contagious and possibly terminal case of basketball fever!

This is, after all, March, the time such cases are reported across the nation. Studies show that workplace productivity is greatly reduced during these thirty-one days as human resources personnel are forced to hire and train numerous replacements for the employees who die off in this annual culling of the basketball-weak.

Considering my current ill health, it only makes sense that I should discuss one of the greatest players to step onto the court: the ostrich.

Special powers

The ostrich has an incredible game in the low post on both sides of the ball.

It has a great jump shot. Given its lack of arms, jump shots are a large proportion of the shots it takes.

Weaknesses

Free throws. The ostrich still uses the “granny shot.” Weirdly, it bowls with perfect free throw mechanics.*

It also has a tendency to stick its head into the ground when it becomes overstressed. You don’t want to try that on the hardcourt; that’s for sure.

And, it’s bad at bowling.

Number of legs

Two.

Mr. Hoops Hoops Corner for Hoops Talk

One of the symptoms of basketball fever is an overwhelming desire to analyze that beautiful game. The ostrich has had a long and illustrious career so far, which has allowed him to play with many of the greats, including:

  • Michael Jordan, who would refuse to blink before the player defending him, leading to his nickname “Stare Jordan.”
  • Larry Bird, the ostrich’s cousin.
  • Shaqbeth, or “The Scottish Player,” as locker room superstition requires him to be called.
  • Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, the actor.
  • Charles Barkley, who bullied the ostrich by placing donuts around its neck.
  • Julius Erving, the physician.
  • Carlos Boozer, who played with the ostrich only one season, but hated it so much he to this day punctuates every made shot with a proclamation of “Mors struthio camelus!” which is Latin for “Death to the ostrich!”
Carlos Boozer

The ostrich’s greatest enemy. Did you know he is a literal Howdy Doody style puppet?

Wikipedia Talk Page Asks

In this case, there actually is an answer to the question posed in this section, which will be found below.

“Is the trivia on a box of breakfast cereal [1] really considered to be a valid citation? -Dayv 15:25, 25 May 2007 (UTC)”

Wikipedia Talk Page Answers

“Yes.”

This revelation has a number of upsetting implications, especially for celebrity elves Snap and Pop – namely that they really are trapped in a labyrinth only Crackle can solve by spotting the differences between images.

What if it fought a bear?

Maybe the one animal able to take the ostrich down in one-on-one** is the bear. That’s why they call it Bear Jordan.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

How can I think of rating the ostrich at a time like this, when my days may be numbered thanks to the basketball fever raging through my body?

No. I must rate. I can not let the fever basketbeat me. If I do die, let it be said that I went out rating.

But hopefully I take some antibiotics and this clears right up. I think I’ll go do that now.

 

9.5/10

 

 

*And the bumpers up.

**Though because of the ostrich’s better assist numbers and generosity with the rock, team play is another matter.

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2 thoughts on “Ostrich

  1. […] “But wait!” you cry. “Does that mean it is better at basketball than the ostrich?” […]

  2. […] many birds who stand on long legs (looking at you, ostrich), the stilt can still […]

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