Skunk

Skunk

Last week my apartment complex received a visit from today’s animal – the skunk. I never saw the skunk myself, but I smelled what it had dealt upon us. The skunk is a spiteful animal who operates its odiferous glands on something of a scorched earth policy. One moment of skunk anger in the past will continue to haunt the present, causing many innocents to suffer.

skunk

“I don’t care who I hurt!”

You may think I have something of a grudge against the skunk. You may think I am reviewing it on the heels of its assault on the air outside my residence out of contempt. I assure you through clenched teeth that it is COMPLETE COINCIDENCE.

Special powers

As mentioned above, the skunk is the irresponsible owner of scent glands which can spray a horrible stench at predators or anyone it dislikes. This is why the skunk is no longer welcome at most reputable restaurants and country clubs.

Weaknesses

Its go-to move and temper means it has burned bridges with numerous establishments. Would you want a guest who tends to fly off the handle and ruin your home for days afterward? NEITHER DID I.

Number of legs

Four.

Drink of choice

It is so bad at shotgunning.

Miller Lite.

Famous skunks (non-sexual offender division)

Below is Wikipedia’s list of skunks in movies & TV series, presented in its entirety:

This has been a direct quote of Wikipedia.

Famous skunks (sexual offender division)

I have little love for the skunk, but even I understand the skunk’s anger at Warner Brothers for its offensive portrayal of their character “Pepe Le Pew”* The propaganda machine behind “Merrie Melodies” cranked out dozens and dozens of short films in a smear campaign intended to paint the skunk as a rapist.

To this day, 75% of attempted pet skunk sales turn out to be stings organized by Chris Hansen.

Chris Hansen

“You say you’re here to buy some skunk? Why don’t you have a seat?”

Aliases

In Mexico, there is a masked vigilante who greatly resembles the skunk and leaves gangsters devastated in huge swaths of stink. He is known as Zorrillo, or “El Punishero.” This may seem noble until you realize that Zorrillo does not care about collateral damage and that every gangster he’s sprayed happened to be one the skunk owed a lot of money. See WikiLeaks for more information.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear could kill the skunk easy, but he’d regret it for a solid week and a half.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

I wouldn’t wish the misleading minstrel show that is Pepe Le Pew on any animal… Okay, some animals, but for all its spite and pettiness and short-sightedness, not the generally harmless skunk. But does a degree of sympathy for its stereotyping make the skunk a good animal? Why don’t we ask the area surrounding my apartment building?

Sniff sniff. What’s that, area? It doesn’t? Then we’re in agreement.

 

2/10

 

 

*A French name meaning “Pepe the church bench.”

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2 thoughts on “Skunk

  1. Charlene says:

    When I was in 9th grade in high school, we had to do a multi-genre project where we had to choose one famous person to write multiple reports about and give a presentation on. I chose Chuck Jones, the creator of Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck and Pepe Le Pew.

    Anyway, the point of this random story is that I learned how to draw Pepe Le Pew after having drawn his molester face multiple times. It’s a skill I’d like to think comes in handy in times like this.

    I am, however, sad to hear that a potential Pepe spewed up your apartment complex. Gross.

  2. nscranor says:

    Nice project choice, 9th grade Charlene.

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