I’m sick of all the insincerity around me these days. That’s why this week I’m calling out all the Hollywood phonies out there:
In 80% of frames where he’s on camera, Will Smith is completely claymation.
Richard Kind has had extensive, purely cosmetic plastic surgery on his butt.
Medical records prove that Kelly Ripa has been dead for eleven years.
Ghost Rider has never actually ridden on a ghost. It’s mostly just motorcycles for him.
Pastamania founder Hulk Hogan changed his name from Hulk Liebowitz.
Starting in 1996, Madonna was voiced by Steve Whitmire, all the way until 2007 when Billy West took over.
Lana Del Rey is a Skrull.
And perhaps most scandalously, the walking stick is actually an insect with no relation whatsoever to sticks.
The walking stick does not burn as easily as one might assume. Also, it uses camouflage to hide itself among true sticks, which would greatly offend me if I were a stick. I’m already pretty offended for them.
Its weakness is the crime of cowardice. Also, though it takes a little more elbow grease,* it does eventually burn.
Number of legs
Do I own a Beanie Baby of it?
If it’s disguised in the stick drawer, I might in fact own such a thing and never even realize it.
Capacity for virgin birth
The female walking stick lays hundreds of fertile eggs with zero contact with nor input from the male. Ladies are doing it for themselves! This is the principal miracle the female walking stick can perform, but it may also bless holy water and turn wine into Sunny D Tangy Original.
What if it fought a bear?
The bear would show mercy, as it’s famously against setting fire to things that might be sticks.
Is it noble?
I do admire the gumption of its limited-miracle-working women. But on the whole it’s a coward and a phony. I’ve been lied to, and I do not appreciate it.
*Flammable, flammable elbow grease.