The largest rodents in the world are as follows: the capybara, the beaver, the rat king, the porcupine, and Ratataskor the messenger squirrel who navigates the branches of Yggdrasil the world tree. Today I will be reviewing the porcupine.

Special powers

The porcupine is world-famous for its sharp quills. It’s often said that the porcupine can not fire its quills at long distances nor with laser-like accuracy. This is a well-crafted lie which the porcupine has happily perpetuated.

Everyone is so relieved to find out the porcupine isn’t a sharpshooter of stinging barbs that they ignore the fact that it can climb high into treetops where it can establish perfect sniper’s nests.

porcupine in tree

Think about it.


When not shuffling improbably up trees, the porcupine moves awkwardly across the ground.

Number of legs



Zero, in both meanings of the word “pet.” Obviously the porcupine’s spines make it a rough animal to comfort, but it’s also true that no human has taken it on as a pet and not been found dead within six weeks. I’m not saying I can prove anything; I’m just saying what’s happened every time.

Wikipedia’s Talk Page Asks

The editors and readers of Wikipedia have sophisticated discussions concerning articles on their “talk” tabs. In this new section, I highlight a particularly deep question asked on such a talk page that we could all stand to contemplate. On the subject of the porcupine, Wikipedia’s Talk Page asks…

“how large is the porcupine butt???”

– Anonymous

Is it refined?

The porcupine is uncultured. A real bumpkin.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear would never see it before a quill ends up in its neck.

Is it noble?


Final rating

Every moment you spend in a forest is a moment the porcupine is letting you live. For its mercy, I thank it.


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One thought on “Porcupine

  1. […] is looking to the porcupine to win Pointiest Quills, and not just because the voters are all petrified it will kill someone if […]

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