Look; I know a lot. Like, most stuff. But I am, at the end of the day, a mortal human.* There are a handful of gaps in my knowledge. One such gap is the goose.
Like any responsible animal-reviewer, though, I will not attempt to provide an uninformed rating on the goose. For just such an occasion, I have on call a Canadian fully-versed on the subject: goose expert/mutant Anna Paquin.
Let me just get her on the line…
Anna Paquin: You got the Paq.
Nathan Cranor: Anna! It’s Nathan.
AP: Is this related to hot dogs?
NC: …Other Nathan.
NC: Umm, it’s about the goose.
AP: Oh, this again?
NC: I just need some information. Like what are the goose’s special powers?
AP: I don’t have time for this, Nate.
NC: Come on, just a few bullet points. I can extrapolate like a mother.
AP: I’m not gonna talk to you about the goose right now. I’m the star of True Blood.
NC: I don’t know what that is.
AP: Are you kidding me? It’s on the nation’s most prestigious network.
NC & AP (in unison): HBO Go.
NC: Wow. I had no idea.
AP: I have to get to work.
Hmm. Well, if its ambassador Anna Paquin truly represents how the goose feels, it would appear that the goose’s weakness is an inability to remember the little people.
Number of legs
It’s called a murder of geese, I think? Oh, like it matters.
What if it fought a bear?
I hope it dies.
Is it noble?
I’m fine on my own. I don’t need you, Anna.
Please call me back.
*I’m even a mortal human at the start of the day and during full moons, too. Unlike some people.