Howler monkey

Howler monkey

Everyone knows the howler monkey is nature’s hype man. Let’s be honest; human hype men have proven themselves all too fallible. Consider Spliff Star going to his sister’s wedding right when Busta Rhymes needed him most to pump up the crowd. Consider Lil Jon lowering his voice in a Quizno’s in August 2011. Consider Flavor Flav becoming obsessed with clocks and destroying the Batman.

Clock King

“Yeahhhh boyeee hostage!” – Flavor Flav, on Robin

While mankind stumbled, the howler monkey remained steadfast in its duties. When other animals of the rain forest act, the howler monkey is there to shout out reports on how awesome things are, instructions on whether to make some noise, and responses to rhetorical questions.

Special powers

The howler monkey is such a good hype man because of its natural characteristics. It is the loudest land animal. So, when it instructs everyone in here to get crunk, everyone in there hears it. And due to natural stage presence, they’re inclined to acquiesce.

Howler monkeys

Who can say no to these guys?

Weaknesses

Unlike many other primates, the howler monkey does not have any pads on its rump. I am talking no pads at all. Can you imagine what that must be like for it? Not to have those? I’m guessing just mega-rough.

Number of legs

Four, plus a prehensile tail.

Career

The howler monkey has hooked up with numerous performers. It first reached prominence in the Northern Hemisphere when Marky “Mark” Wahlberg lost the Funky Bunch to the howler monkey in an intense game of sabacc.* That collaboration was short-lived. Others include:

  • Cypress Hill
  • Beastie Boys
  • Bill Clinton
  • Jeezy
  • Weezy
  • Queasy
  • Parcheesi
  • Weezy Jefferson
  • George Lopez (Lopez Tonight, Feb. 2010-March 2010)

Horrifying Smithsonian website quote

The Smithsonian, on locating the howler monkey: “However, if you do find yourself in the rainforest and it seems that an unusually large amount of fruit is falling from above or a fine spray of urine rains down on your head, you will know you are close!”

What if it fought a bear?

The howler monkey doesn’t really participate in fights, but it does a great job promoting one.

Is it noble?

No.

Final rating

It can sometimes come off as a bit of a one-note supporting player in the rain forest ecology, but the role it plays is vital. Without this “town crier,” no new ideas or club bangers would gain traction. South and Central America owe the howler monkey a great debt.

On the other hand, it can get annoying to listen to. And that urine thing is messed up.

 

7.5/10

 

 

 

*For more New Kids on the Block related information, please read my mantis shrimp review.

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3 thoughts on “Howler monkey

  1. This is SO AWESOME. Thanks for making me laugh louder than a howler monkey today!

  2. […] potoo’s band leader/sidekick/consummate hypeman the howler monkey is also on hand to laugh at things that exist. It has no sense of humor of its own ever since the […]

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