I have expressed my affection for this animal as a medium of communication. Today I will examine the rock pigeon as a whole animal. To start, please do not be confused by the name “rock pigeon.” You can feel safe knowing that this is the most common pigeon you think of when you picture a pigeon.
The rock pigeon is named as such for the same reason as the rock lobster: a deep and abiding passion for electric guitars.
The pigeon’s principal strength is its homing ability. The pigeon can find its way to and from nearly any location without getting lost. It is naturally in tune with the magnetic poles and the heavenly bodies. You may not know that every Garmin GPS contains a pigeon soul. TomToms contain salmon spirits, which is why they come with “Home” preset as their stream of origin.
Humans have co-opted this skill to deliver messages. Approximately a hundred years ago, the first game of chess by pigeon was played. A number of chess by pigeon leagues have been established in North America and Europe, but intercontinental games proved uniformly disastrous.
The pigeon eats garbage. I don’t know how much time you’ve spent subsisting on nothing but garbage (for most people it’s no more than a couple days), but you get very few solid nutrients to strengthen you.
Number of legs
The pigeon’s homing ability has been put to use in wartime throughout history. In the Franco-Prussian War, for example, residents of Paris could only get messages out past enemy lines via their pet pigeons.* The surrounding Germans caught on, however, and dispatched hawks to eat the pigeons and gain their knowledge. The hawks returned with vital intelligence that allowed the Germans to fully overtake the city. So, more of a win for the hawk than the pigeon really.
The war pigeon has not always been a losing prospect, though! Numerous pigeons served in both World Wars, receiving many accolades, including:
Croix du guerre
Aerial Achievement Medal
Pulitzer Prize for Public Service
Pulitzer Prize for Secret Service
Personal Fitness Merit Badge
Russell Casse Commendation For Personal Sacrifice While Yelling
Jethro Tull Memorial Aqualung
Source Award For Bravery (tied with Common)
Impact of bodily fluids on approachability
The pigeon does not have a gall bladder. Medieval physicians believed a lack of gall (one of the four humours along with blood, bile, phlegm, and Faygo) gave the pigeon and dove their friendly dispositions. Today we know humorism to be helpful only to those whose bile actually does manifest in elemental forces. It’s not the missing gall that affects the Columbidae family’s countenance; it’s their childhood diet of crop milk. When you do find a bar that’s willing to serve pigeon milk, it’s usually in small quantities in a “V.I.P.” area or backroom, but if you have been so fortunate, you’ll know that just one Collins glass of crop milk will have you making best friends with strangers in the park.**
This is just a pigeon putting on airs. It can be distinguished by clear-lens glasses, an affected accent, and talking your ear off about Bergman even though it becomes clear after a couple minutes that it’s only seen a longish YouTube clip of “The Seventh Seal” that was presented in film class.
What if it fought a bear?
The pigeon would barely get out “Hi, how are ya!” before the bear reduced it to feathers.
Is it noble?
The pigeon gets points for its carrier status and nice personality, but it also receives demerits for being a pesky garbage-eater. Also beware of pigeon lung, which you may be horrified to learn is a real thing.
*Each citizen had been issued a pigeon as part of an ill-advised social service program.
**And likely eating seed out of their hands.