Dialing back from the exotic and obscure, we turn today to the domesticated and common. And what is more uninspiring a pet than the hamster?

Special powers

The hamster is an accomplished escape artist. Does this surprise you? It shouldn’t. Think of every hamster story – okay, think of both hamster stories you’ve heard. They both involve the hamster in question getting free from whatever had been constraining it.

hamster outdoors

This hamster was convicted of double homicide.

The hamster put this preternatural ability to good use in the Second World War after being captured by the Nazis. The classic sitcom “Hogan’s Heroes” was originally titled “Hogan’s Hamtaros” before being retooled by anti-hamster CBS executives. The more hamster-friendly heads of ABC were turned off by the idea of a sitcom being set in a Nazi war camp. NBC, meanwhile, was preoccupied with the development of the similarly conceived but ultimately doomed “The Wackiest Ship in the Army”* which featured a cast made entirely of ferrets.


When it’s not escaping confinement, the hamster basically doesn’t do anything. Beyond that, its bowels are horribly weak. Seriously, try startling the hamster, but make sure it’s not standing on your good rug when you do.

Number of legs



The hamster is one of the rare animals to utilize its own travel infrastructure. In the 1950s, U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower authorized the creation of a nation-spanning series of plastic tubes for the cross-country transport of hamsters. Because the tubes connect through wrinkles in space-time, the system grew beyond Eisenhower’s authority and now covers the globe. You’ve likely seen very small parts of it, perhaps through the glass of some terrarium, but no human eye can understand all seven of its dimensions.

hamster tubes

One of these leads to Space Egypt.

What if it fought a bear?

The hamster was trained by Special Forces. It knows three ways to kill the bear from here right now.

Is it noble?


Final rating

The hamster is technically a war hero, I guess. But man it’s just so dull. Thanks to Ike, this thing basically has the mobility of a Time Lord, and what does it do with that? Collect unusual postcards. Really, dude?





*How it didn’t get renewed is a mystery to me; this video clip is a laugh riot! And the ferrets are very convincing!

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2 thoughts on “Hamster

  1. Dawn says:

    In second grade, our class pet was “the hamster.” It would bite us and then, out of shock and mild pain, we would drop it. The hamster would then scurry and hide. It would ESCAPE. If only I had followed it through its transportation system…perhaps in the other world, the other dimension, I wouldn’t be surrounded by four Christmas trees (which has nothing to do with hamsters, I know).

    • nscranor says:

      Possible, but it’s also possible that by following it you would find yourself in a place surrounded by endlessly recursive firs dropping mobius pinecones. THESE ARE THE RISKS OF THE HAMSTER TUBES.

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