On this Thanksgiving, I want to spotlight the delightful animal at the center of the holiday:

The yam.


This bad boy’s getting at least an 8.5.

This bad boy’s getting at least an 8.5.

Thanksgiving fools! Everyone knows the yam is a sucky animal. It maxes out at a 2. The true subject of today’s post is the turkey. Will it surpass 2? Let’s find out.

Special powers

The turkey is, first and foremost, delicious. I guess that’s not really a power, but it is a fact.


The turkey’s wattle is a big exposed hunk of flesh that may as well have “Hit Me” written on it – and on several occasions, has. In combat situations, its only move is to flap its wings frantically, which doesn’t stop attackers so much as decorate them with shiny feathers.

Number of legs


The turkey in U.S. government

Many know that Benjamin Franklin, electrical wizard, was the turkey’s greatest supporter in the debate over what animal would become America’s national emblem. What they may not know is that John Adams had to recuse himself from the discussion on account of being the turkey’s cousin.

The turkey learned its lesson from its failed campaign to represent the nation, however. Nowadays, its lobbying powers in Washington have expanded tremendously. The President even holds an annual press conference just to reaffirm that the turkey is worth keeping alive.

It should also be noted that the turkey was briefly mayor of Peoria, Illinois.

What if it fought a bear?

The bear would look very festive afterward (see Weaknesses).

Is it noble?


Final rating

The turkey has a very mixed reputation. A turkey is a bowler term for something good, but it’s also a person term for something bad.

Black Lightning

Look at those guys. It’s hard to disagree.

Everyone gets excited about it twice a year (Thanksgiving and whenever it’s the footlong-of-the-month), but the rest of the year the turkey is a punchline. You may suspect the date to influence my decision, then. You would be wrong, sir/ma’am/decline to specify. I am not a slave to “Gregor” and his “calendar.” I am my own man. And the turkey is its own bird. But it’s not a great bird to be.



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One thought on “Turkey

  1. […] person[2], up to forty percent of its own body weight in one sitting – forty-five if it’s Thanksgiving. All this makes the Tasmanian devil an unstoppable force in eating […]

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