Here it is, the king of the jungle:

The Circle of Life


The lion thinks it’s hot stuff. And it’s hard to blame it, what with all the smoke being blown up its mane about courage this and king that. What the lion tries hard to ignore is the fact that it doesn’t even live in the jungle. The jungle constitution clearly states that it’s improper for an outsider to be made king. Show us the birth certificate, lion!*

Special powers

Everyone knows about the lion’s powerful claws, sharp teeth, guitar-pick-storing mane, etcetera. What most people don’t know about is its ability to turn to stone.

lion statue

The lion in stone form.

The lion does not typically have need for this ability in its stronghold the Serengeti, but in less lion-friendly lands (usually among dense human populations), it can “hide in plain sight” by pretending to be a statue or fountain. The latter disguise requires an incredible amount of perseverance and spit.


The lion has few weaknesses. The only animals in its traditional environment which can hope to challenge it are the crocodile, the stampeding wildebeest, and the hippopotamus. The lion lacks a protective shell; its mane can be grabbed without it counting as a personal foul; it is lazy.

We should be thankful for that last weakness. Were it not for the lion’s dearth of motivation, it would surely have expanded its kingdom beyond the jungle – perhaps into regions where it can actually be consistently found, such as college campuses and the steps in front of libraries.

Number of legs



Unlike other big cats, the lion is a social creature. It organizes in groups called prides, because it is vain. Each pride consists of one or two male lions, several lionesses, a treasurer, the GM, and any cubs the lionesses may bear.

The lion organizes in a far grander capacity, however. I speak, of course, about the Lion’s Club. I speak of it in hushed tones, lest the rumors of a Lionist conspiracy prove true. The Lion’s Club is spread wide throughout these United States and even a few of the Asiatic nations. It does not have a direct presence in Europe, but it’s said that there are a number of orders and fraternities in the Old World who have allied themselves with the Club. I have no proof of this, but I also have never witnessed the inner workings of a Lion’s Club branch. What do they do in there? It can’t possibly just be bingo and gazelle murder. They’re hiding something – something big.

Other ratings of the lion

“The feel-good animal of the Serengeti!” – Peter Travers

“Everyone has completely missed the point yet again.” – Armond White

“The lion has owed a good deal to his mane and his noble and dignified aspect; but appearances are not always to be trusted.” – The English Cyclopaedia

“It placed its jaws around my mouth and nose until I died of asphyxiation. C-” – Antelope

Related sports teams

There are a number of sports teams named after the lion, but the greatest is undoubtedly the Samsung Lions of the Korean Baseball Organization.

The pride of Samsung!

The pride of Samsung!

What if it fought a bear?

Lions are fighters of bears, oh my!

Is it noble?


Final rating

When we discuss the lion, we’re talking top tier in the predator category. But it’s hard to argue with the English Cyclopaedia’s skepticism, especially when one witnesses how the male lion treats the female.

Lion & lioness

“One of these days, Alice… Bang! Zoom! Straight to the moon!”

The lion is no saint, but it is a darn impressive animal. And I feel confident saying that I’m not just another fool blinded by a big mane and a smile.




*“Signed, Rafiki, MD”

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7 thoughts on “Lion

  1. Dawn says:

    I woke Aaron up because I was laughing.


    Good job. No, really … good job. I like this. Like this in the sense that “I express and feel a positive, emotional attitude toward this article.”

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